Dream you’re mine

The journey from miscarriage to whatever comes next

Making it through the due date that wasn’t June 29, 2008

Filed under: Uncategorized — agplatters @ 11:11 am
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Due dates are a big deal.  It is one of the first things an expectant mom can focus on and it means everything in those early days of pregnancy.  My first due date was June 19, which I thought was awesome for a Minnesota baby.  There was no chance of a blizzard, so I probably wouldn’t have to deliver in a snow drift as we got stranded on the way to the hospital.  (Yep, I thought about this!)  My parents could easily travel the six hours that time of year to be there.

Of course, I didn’t have long to dream about this day, as I lost the baby approximately a week after finding out I was pregnant.  But June 19 didn’t disappear from the calendar.  I was so naive when the first miscarriage happened–I truly believed I would be pregnant again by then.  Well, I was pregnant again…two more times…yet I found myself 100% not pregnant on June 19.

How do you deal with an empty uterus on the due date that wasn’t?  I don’t know if there is an answer to that.  I think there are two main things though:

1.  Be true to yourself.  I couldn’t go through the day as if it were just another day.  I couldn’t pretend everything was ok.  So I stayed home.  I cried when I needed to and did things I enjoyed.  

2.  If you want the day to be acknowledged, tell someone.  As women who have had miscarriages, we remember all the time.  Maybe others have people in their lives who remember the milestones and can anticipate tough times.  I do not.  So I reminded my husband.  I wish I didn’t have to and I suppose I’m a little angry and hurt on some level.  If I hadn’t said anything, I would have gone through the day alone without any acknowledgement or support.  I needed that, so I asked for it.  And he did great.

It was a tough day, but it is another thing to get through after all the other tough things we go through in losing a baby.  For some reason, it feels like a heaviness was lifted as I came to accept that I didn’t have my baby due that day and didn’t have any baby growing inside me.  I’m amazed at how resilient we can be and how hope can return over and over.  So we are back to trying again.



Purple potatoes June 19, 2008

Filed under: Uncategorized — agplatters @ 10:19 am
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Hey baby,

Today was the day we were going to meet.  Papa and I would have been so excited to hold you and welcome you to the family.  We wanted to share so many things with you–a house full of critters, a curiosity about the world, abundant bikes and music, you name it.  We’d have learned so much from seeing the world through your eyes.  

I can’t tell you how much I miss you.  We certainly didn’t have enough time together.  Your visits are much too short.  It’d be great if you wanted to give us another shot.  I want to cry out and beg you to come back, but if you are anything like mom and dad, you are stubborn enough to do it on your own schedule.  We’ll wait.

We just started a CSA last week.  When you are able to stay with us longer, we’ll be able to feed you lots of good stuff, teach you about growing food and explore the farm.  Last night I made roasted potatoes.  They gave us a combo of golden-brown potatoes and purple potatoes.  Purple potatoes!  As I sliced them open and saw that they were even purple inside, I smiled and thought of you.  Someday we’ll have fun making purple potatoes.  

A song just came to mind….Lullaby by Dan Wilson.  This is the only recording of it I know…http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X0nHV0qZKgM.  Someday I’ll take you to the Cedar and you can giggle and dance and have a big cookie.  

Love you forever.