Dream you’re mine

The journey from miscarriage to whatever comes next

Checking in December 14, 2008

Filed under: Uncategorized — agplatters @ 2:51 pm
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Just thought I’d say howdy and thanks for all the support lately!  There have been some tears and mention of never being pregnant again.  Not a real “sit down and talk about what that all means” kinda talk, but it is rattling around in both of our brains.  Although I’ve said for a long time that we’re ok with adoption, it will be another level entirely to actually have that be our only option and start down that road.  Nobody “just” adopts, although I’ve heard “why don’t you just adopt” plenty.

You’ll know we are serious about adoption when I create the spreadsheet.  It will list all the types of adoption and various factors that need to be considered to make sure we are making the right decision.  I love spreadsheets!

When I talked to the nurse on Wednesday, I asked what the next steps were.  At first she said that I’ll probably just do another cycle on femara, but she decided to talk to the doc since this is my fifth loss.  The doc wants to meet with us.  So Wed we go back for another consultation.  I feel that he is going to say that it is all my eggs.  Three have been chemicals/blighted ovums and nothing is going on then except cell division, so that has to be chromosomes.  No way did I have infections all of those times and lining/uterus are perfect so it couldn’t be implantation.  Then with the two missed m/c, one was Turner’s and the other we don’t know.  It all points to chromosomes due to my eggs.  So I’m expecting IVF with PGD or donor eggs.  I don’t want to be that girl, but if I am, it’d be nice if somebody in the medical community was straight up with me rather than using me as a lab rat.  I swear they decide it is egg quality only after they’ve tried everything else and it fails.

On happier news, I did get an early Christmas present last night.  We went to see Dan Wilson, who you may know as the lead singer from Semisonic and Trip Shakespeare.  We made a night of it and went to dinner and to the holidazzle parade last night.  It was a great show.  His first set was him primarily solo (some songs were accompanied by piano) and he did more of his songs from the bands.  Then he brought out a band and did mostly songs from his solo disk, Free Life.  I realized last night how much he mentions dreams in his songs and also that Free Life has been a constant soundtrack through this difficult time.  The CD was released the week of my first miscarriage.  This blog is named after a line in his song Cry, because the song provides comfort and hope to me.  It makes me feel understood when I can’t find the words or the strength to try to explain what this all feels like.  The nursery (that better have a baby in it someday!) is going to be rock n’ roll themed, ’cause we’re just a little different.  And it is being built around this Adam Turman poster (bottom row, blue poster) from an in-store performance.  (Don’t tell the hubby though–he thinks the Grateful Dead poster is the key.)  His music has brought some tears to my eyes, but mostly brought me hope and beauty.  

And, not to discredit his incredible song writing and beautiful, sensitive voice, but the man has a hip sway that is pretty damn fantastic.

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Purple potatoes June 19, 2008

Filed under: Uncategorized — agplatters @ 10:19 am
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Hey baby,

Today was the day we were going to meet.  Papa and I would have been so excited to hold you and welcome you to the family.  We wanted to share so many things with you–a house full of critters, a curiosity about the world, abundant bikes and music, you name it.  We’d have learned so much from seeing the world through your eyes.  

I can’t tell you how much I miss you.  We certainly didn’t have enough time together.  Your visits are much too short.  It’d be great if you wanted to give us another shot.  I want to cry out and beg you to come back, but if you are anything like mom and dad, you are stubborn enough to do it on your own schedule.  We’ll wait.

We just started a CSA last week.  When you are able to stay with us longer, we’ll be able to feed you lots of good stuff, teach you about growing food and explore the farm.  Last night I made roasted potatoes.  They gave us a combo of golden-brown potatoes and purple potatoes.  Purple potatoes!  As I sliced them open and saw that they were even purple inside, I smiled and thought of you.  Someday we’ll have fun making purple potatoes.  

A song just came to mind….Lullaby by Dan Wilson.  This is the only recording of it I know…http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X0nHV0qZKgM.  Someday I’ll take you to the Cedar and you can giggle and dance and have a big cookie.  

Love you forever.