Dream you’re mine

The journey from miscarriage to whatever comes next

Growth u/s July 31, 2009

After the scare of being diagnosed with gestational hypertension and being put on meds, I’m starting to accept my fate.  I’ve had time to process and research and gather all my questions.  I’ve had follow up doctor visits to get answers and a feel for what this all means in the upcoming weeks.  And I’ve started wrapping my brain around a baby who comes early or in a medically invasive way.  Sigh.

The good news is the meds are working great and I’m feeling great from that perspective.  I have weekly appointments where they will do non-stress tests and check amniotic fluid levels starting next week.  My doc said I have a mild case of gestational hypertension and no signs of pre-e.  She doesn’t think it will progress, but she is not going to let me get to my due date.  She said she’d induce during the 39th week and, based on the quick peek at the calendar, it would most likely be 4 days before my due date.  I’ve been looking into non-drug ways to get things moving a bit earlier than that.  I’d really like to avoid pitocin.

We had a growth u/s at 32w3d.  Everything looks perfect, he’s still a boy and he has “lots of hair.”  It is so crazy they can tell that!  They estimated he was 3 lbs 13 oz, give or take a half pound.  With that and the various measurements they took, they put him at the 40th percentile.  Given the fact that hubby and his bros were all 10+ lbs, I’m just fine with him being a little on the smaller side!  And that was approximately 7w before induction date, so even if he grew a half lb per week, he’ll be in the 7 lbs range.  There is the chance that things progress with the hypertension and they will need to pull him earlier.  There is also the possibility that when they do the next growth u/s, he will have dropped down to a lower percentile, which will be a sign that the placenta is breaking down and he’d need to be born then.  So we aren’t out of the woods, but so far things look good.


Gestational hypertension July 15, 2009

Filed under: Uncategorized — agplatters @ 11:03 pm

So today I go for my appt that should have been pretty simple and quick.  My bp was 166/102 when I first got there, which wasn’t super surprising since I’ve had the “white coat syndrome” for probably 10 years.  I lie on my left side, they come back in 10 minutes later and it is 133/92.  That was enough for them to diagnose me and prescribe bp medication.

Doc goes into all the potential problems when your bp is too high, such as your placenta breaking down early, which means baby isn’t getting all the oxygen he needs and it can lead to growth restrictions.  So I go for a growth u/s next week so they can see what percentile he is at and then again in four weeks.  They want it to be the same rate.  If the rate slows, I’m sure they will induce or cut me open.  She did talk about how older moms are more likely to have gestational hypertension and that leads to more c-sections.  Lovely.

She also mentioned that in extreme cases, placenta abruption can occur and baby can die.  She was saying it as a way to stress how important it is to get it under control, but now I have that in my head.

I feel like a big failure and like my body just isn’t equipped to sustain a baby.  I’m super pissed that I just can’t catch a break–did I not go through enough with five miscarriages?  Now I’m likely dealing with a baby who will be early and a pretty medicalized birth.  I know the most important thing is that he gets out of me healthy.  But right now I just need to vent and wail and cry and have a pity party before I can just accept this.

And I have expressed to my husband so many times that I can’t do everything and I need help.  That is so not like me–I NEVER ask for help.  But he hasn’t been around.  First it was working two jobs for several weeks for about 70 hours a week.  Then it was an ER visit in the middle of that time because he sliced open his knee pretty deep and got a ton of trail gunk in there, so I had to help him with stuff.  Now he threw out his back, which was probably injured in the knee incident.  It isn’t that he isn’t trying.  It is just little things that add up and I’m the one who should get the help right now, damn it.


hormonal vent–it’s a doozie July 3, 2009

Filed under: Uncategorized — agplatters @ 11:34 pm
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Oh my.  We are supposed to go camping this weekend with a group of people.  Hubby rode his bike out to the site, leaving seven hours ago.  It was going to take a few hours to get there, so I was running errands, went to the gym and the plan was to join him late afternoon/early eve.

I love my husband.  He tried.  He’s just not very detailed or effective at time management.  Add a pregnant wife who can’t remember things and it has been a really trying afternoon.  Went to Target to pick up non-food items, co-op to stock up on yummy fruit and two trips to the neighborhood store for things I forgot.  Took countless trips up and down the stairs doing laundry, packing stuff, taking bathroom breaks, feeding cats, etc.  Also took countless trips back and forth from house to van to get stuff in there.  When you are tired and your lungs are being squeezed and you can’t carry a lot, the trips really add up.  So I’m doing all this and I’m exhausted and crabby.  Little did I know that was the most pleasant I’d be all day.

Then everything is finally in the vehicle, so it is time to try to leave.  Now this vehicle is a VW camper van that belongs to my in-laws.  It is old and I have never driven it.  And I have a history of hitting inanimate objects with larger vehicles that I’m unfamiliar with, but that hasn’t been an issue since I can’t even get it out of the driveway.  First of all, the seat was way too far back for all 5’2″ of me to reach the pedals.  So I move it up, but then my belly is in the steering wheel and I can’t get the seat to move back.  I call hubby and tell him I’m either not coming or will grab the tent and move everything into the Corolla.  He says he’ll call his friend to come over and help.  I proceed to go inside and bawl until friend shows up.  He moves the seat and it is time to go again.  I put the clutch in, turn the key and try to give it some gas to get it going.  Engine won’t turn over.  Did I mention this is OLD???  So call hubby again and he tells me various things to try….the car is finally running.  So then, even though I told him I didn’t want to deal with reverse when he was saying how tricky it is, he left the van in the driveway with only one way out….reverse.  He says to look at the knob to figure out reverse.  First off, knob is upside down, but I did figure that one out before actually trying to reverse.  After correcting this, I try five times to get it into the correct position, but it still moves forward when I give it gas.  Now, this was also occurring at pregnant lady supper time, so you add hunger + hours on feet packing + constant replay of times I’ve said to hubby “I am tired and can’t do what I’ve normally been able to do” + piece of shit vehicle and what do you get???  FUCKING INSANE PREGNANT WIFE!!!  If you are my husband, you think the thing to say is “can’t you try one more time?”  Somehow between sobs I was able to choke out “no, I can’t try one more time.  I’m done.  I can’t do this.”

He said he’s getting a ride from someone back into town and will drive us out there.  That gives me time to eat some dinner at least.  It is only a half hour away.  And then I’ll waddle into the campground with blood shot, puffy eyes just in time to go to bed.  Sigh…..I think it would have been more enjoyable to be at work today.  At least on Monday when the three hour glucose test sucks, I can think “at least it isn’t last Friday.”


Almost 29 weeks… July 2, 2009

Filed under: Uncategorized — agplatters @ 1:20 am
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Whew.  I’m pooped from everything that has been going on!  First of all, let’s just get it out there that all is fine.

So here’s the update on the blood pressure….

I ended up at the hospital on Sat for labs and assessment since I was having some vision things where that seemed like fireflies in my peripheral vision.  They did labs for pre-e and gestational hypertension and everything came back great.  So that was a relief, but it was still measuring really high at work even when I didn’t feel stressed.  At all.  So I brought in my machine to conduct some experiments against the one at work and there is a difference of 15-20 pts between mine and work.  Then I brought mine into my doc office to calibrate against that and my machine is correct.  So for WEEKS I have been freaking out about my bp, adding more stress to my life, when there was no problem.  I’m so friggin’ irritated.  You’d just expect a bit more when you work at a health insurance company that has a mission of making people healthier.  Meanwhile, who knows how many employees are walking around thinking they have high bp, going to the doc, maybe even going on meds unnecessarily?  Brilliant.  I will be reporting this to human resources.  But the good news is that the big guy is absolutely fine!

28 week appointment…..

Today was my 28 week appointment and the big thing is the one hour glucose tolerance test.  The drink itself didn’t taste bad and it was a smaller quantity than I expected.  It did make me feel like I was going to pass out and made my acid reflux horrible.  I was a little worried about puking.  After waiting an hour, they do the blood draw and I failed by 4 pts.  Dang.  I’m sure the three hour on Monday will be absolutely fine, even though I am a dessert-aholic.  But I wonder if I’ll even make it through without puking or passing out?  Hmmm….

In other appointment news, belly is measuring perfectly and he sounds great.  As soon as I drank the glucose stuff, he was moving like mad!  In fact, while I waited he walloped me a couple of times so strongly that I saw my shirt move!  So it was fun to feel him moving around so much today.  I had a pretty bad sugar crash and felt lousy all afternoon.  So I now have a four day weekend to do the three hour on Monday.  Too bad it will be such an unpleasant experience.  And I’m now up 14 lbs.  I might not be able to keep it to my goal of 15-25 lbs.  Dang.

I was telling the doc that although I still have anxiety, it is much better now that I know he could survive if he’s born tomorrow.  She said that I really just need to get through the next four weeks and the children’s hospital here is so good that, although expensive, he’d be ok.  Obviously neither of us are hoping for that, but that really felt good to hear.

So it has been a bit of a crazy week!  I didn’t complete all our June goals.  Poop.  But the nursery walls are painted, the ceiling is 95% done and I did exercise quite a bit.  I’m going to have to think about what we can get done in July.  We do have a childbirth class and all about babies two different weekends at the hospital.  And now I really, really want to get the nursery done.


Hello from third tri! June 20, 2009

Filed under: Uncategorized — agplatters @ 11:13 pm
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So, after being pregnant for 63 weeks, I can finally say I’ve made it to third tri.  Unbelievable.  It was a little bittersweet, as it coincided with the due date from the first pregnancy–well, except baby was due in 2008.  I found myself thinking of what my life would have been like with a one year old and all we would have learned in the last year.  But it was actually more upsetting to think of all the babies who never had a chance and the ways it has changed me.  There are good things.  I now know it is ok to say “I don’t know what to say and don’t know what it is like to go through that” when someone is experiencing a tough time.  I truly realize what a miracle it is that there is a little guy kicking around in me.  But there are things I don’t like about myself–how guarded I am, how I can’t fully enjoy being pregnant, how little innocuous questions like “is this your first?” make me tense.  I hate that when people say completely insensitive things, I struggle with a way to educate them and usually just bite my tongue.  I’d like to believe I’ll relax after he’s here, but worry that I will be super overprotective.  And now I find myself thinking that after five losses, how can I possibly have a healthy kid?  That becomes a downward spiral that something is going to go wrong with him being a preemie or not making it through childbirth.

I guess it is all part of the territory when you’ve gone through multiple losses.  I’m not complaining.  Just trying to figure out how to make sense of it all and move forward with as much positive energy as I can muster.

So here I am in third tri….my body freaks me out on a pretty regular basis…I swear my nipples have migrated about 2″ down my boobs and my ass is huge!  I sleep great and usually still just wake up one time per night, but am feeling more tired again.  Time is standing still.  My blood pressure is still high at work, but my doc just wants me to monitor and call them immediately if certain things occur (pre-e signs, although they haven’t put it in those words.)  The heat and humidity has hit.  I guess I have a case of the pregnancy blahs.  Shopping seems to be a good cure.

Here’s a photo from last week.  I can’t find the camera to take a new one, but don’t think there has been a big change.  I’m up 11 lbs now, which may sound low, but I pre-gained a lot.

26 weeks


Stress relief tips?? June 12, 2009

Filed under: Uncategorized — agplatters @ 1:44 am
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First off, the good news.  I’m 99 days out from my due date–not that it really means much, but still a fun milestone.  Then we got our first CSA box this eve and had lots of yummy food for dinner.  

Now, the bad news.  Work sucks ass.  My boss is too busy with his own stuff to provide any support or direction.  Layoffs are happening in July and I know which employee from my team is being laid off, so that is always fun to act like business as usual when you know it isn’t that way.  Then every couple of days, small, random layoffs occur throughout the company.  Any “decision” that is made is flip flopped within a matter of days.  (A week ago I was told that one of my employees needed to focus on only business tasks and hand off all tool development to IS, including taking away her security to do this.  We had a painful conversation, she’s been completely whiny and high maintenance since then because she doesn’t like the decision and today I’m told to have her go back to doing development work too.  Gee, thanks for flip flopping, putting me through all this crap in the last week and making me look like an incompetent manager.)  

Morale is horrible.  I’m already trying to exercise daily, including yoga a couple of times a week.  I try to tell myself to just let it go and take deep breaths.  Besides being a dessert-aholic, I generally eat pretty well.  But how is my body reacting?  Today my BP was 157/101 at work.  So I’m going to be monitoring that over the next week or two and discussing with my OB.  At home it was 128/84, so almost normal and pretty good considering I’m still going to have a little stress from dealing with work all day.  I don’t know what else to do–I can’t change what is happening there and am trying to change how I react.  The thought of going back tomorrow makes me want to bawl.  I feel so helpless right now!


24 week appt June 7, 2009

Filed under: Uncategorized — agplatters @ 11:30 pm
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Friday was my 24 week appt and it went well overall, but there were some shocking moments.  The great news is I’m measuring right where I should be, baby sounds great and cervix is nicely closed and doing what it needs to do.  My main concerns were the way spider veins are taking over my legs, recommendations on exercise since bladder is kicking into overdrive and that I feel pressure low, which I also mentioned at my 20 week appt.  I didn’t think much of that comment, since I also mentioned it isn’t very frequent.  Well, apparently that sets up some red flags, because she tells me they want to do a chemical test to see if I’ll be going into labor in the next few weeks.  GULP.  The test itself was like a pap and it was run within a few hours.  I’d get a call from the on call doc if there was a concern.  Now that two days have passed and I’ve gotten no call, it is safe to say I will not be going into labor in the next few weeks.  So it is kinda reassuring to know that at this point!  There were just some moments of terror associated with that appt.

As far as the spider veins, she recommended support hose.  They aren’t prescription and I guess I shouldn’t complain, because it is definitely worth it in the long run.  I actually put on a pair this morning and my legs felt great!  So that is cool.  And the exercise thing?  I was at the Y the other night, did a pre-emptive pee and was dying to pee again as soon as the elliptical started doing its thing!  I tried to hold it, but it was becoming kinda painful and I could feel a trickle….so I ran to the bathroom….only to have it happen again as soon as I got back on the elliptical!  He must be right on my bladder when I stand these days!  So she recommended being in the pool as well, so I’m going to try to do that a few times a week.  Walking seems to be going ok still.

Goals for June:

Finish painting nursery 

Get crib up

Purchase dresser and possibly rocker of some kind

Exercise every day (mind you, I counted walking around the mall and stopping for coffee cake with my mom exercise yesterday!)

Focus on mental preparation for child birth

Finish reading 2-3 child birth books

Start meditating 2x a week