So, after being pregnant for 63 weeks, I can finally say I’ve made it to third tri. Unbelievable. It was a little bittersweet, as it coincided with the due date from the first pregnancy–well, except baby was due in 2008. I found myself thinking of what my life would have been like with a one year old and all we would have learned in the last year. But it was actually more upsetting to think of all the babies who never had a chance and the ways it has changed me. There are good things. I now know it is ok to say “I don’t know what to say and don’t know what it is like to go through that” when someone is experiencing a tough time. I truly realize what a miracle it is that there is a little guy kicking around in me. But there are things I don’t like about myself–how guarded I am, how I can’t fully enjoy being pregnant, how little innocuous questions like “is this your first?” make me tense. I hate that when people say completely insensitive things, I struggle with a way to educate them and usually just bite my tongue. I’d like to believe I’ll relax after he’s here, but worry that I will be super overprotective. And now I find myself thinking that after five losses, how can I possibly have a healthy kid? That becomes a downward spiral that something is going to go wrong with him being a preemie or not making it through childbirth.
I guess it is all part of the territory when you’ve gone through multiple losses. I’m not complaining. Just trying to figure out how to make sense of it all and move forward with as much positive energy as I can muster.
So here I am in third tri….my body freaks me out on a pretty regular basis…I swear my nipples have migrated about 2″ down my boobs and my ass is huge! I sleep great and usually still just wake up one time per night, but am feeling more tired again. Time is standing still. My blood pressure is still high at work, but my doc just wants me to monitor and call them immediately if certain things occur (pre-e signs, although they haven’t put it in those words.) The heat and humidity has hit. I guess I have a case of the pregnancy blahs. Shopping seems to be a good cure.
Here’s a photo from last week. I can’t find the camera to take a new one, but don’t think there has been a big change. I’m up 11 lbs now, which may sound low, but I pre-gained a lot.