Dream you’re mine

The journey from miscarriage to whatever comes next

Hello from third tri! June 20, 2009

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So, after being pregnant for 63 weeks, I can finally say I’ve made it to third tri.  Unbelievable.  It was a little bittersweet, as it coincided with the due date from the first pregnancy–well, except baby was due in 2008.  I found myself thinking of what my life would have been like with a one year old and all we would have learned in the last year.  But it was actually more upsetting to think of all the babies who never had a chance and the ways it has changed me.  There are good things.  I now know it is ok to say “I don’t know what to say and don’t know what it is like to go through that” when someone is experiencing a tough time.  I truly realize what a miracle it is that there is a little guy kicking around in me.  But there are things I don’t like about myself–how guarded I am, how I can’t fully enjoy being pregnant, how little innocuous questions like “is this your first?” make me tense.  I hate that when people say completely insensitive things, I struggle with a way to educate them and usually just bite my tongue.  I’d like to believe I’ll relax after he’s here, but worry that I will be super overprotective.  And now I find myself thinking that after five losses, how can I possibly have a healthy kid?  That becomes a downward spiral that something is going to go wrong with him being a preemie or not making it through childbirth.

I guess it is all part of the territory when you’ve gone through multiple losses.  I’m not complaining.  Just trying to figure out how to make sense of it all and move forward with as much positive energy as I can muster.

So here I am in third tri….my body freaks me out on a pretty regular basis…I swear my nipples have migrated about 2″ down my boobs and my ass is huge!  I sleep great and usually still just wake up one time per night, but am feeling more tired again.  Time is standing still.  My blood pressure is still high at work, but my doc just wants me to monitor and call them immediately if certain things occur (pre-e signs, although they haven’t put it in those words.)  The heat and humidity has hit.  I guess I have a case of the pregnancy blahs.  Shopping seems to be a good cure.

Here’s a photo from last week.  I can’t find the camera to take a new one, but don’t think there has been a big change.  I’m up 11 lbs now, which may sound low, but I pre-gained a lot.

26 weeks


Stress relief tips?? June 12, 2009

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First off, the good news.  I’m 99 days out from my due date–not that it really means much, but still a fun milestone.  Then we got our first CSA box this eve and had lots of yummy food for dinner.  

Now, the bad news.  Work sucks ass.  My boss is too busy with his own stuff to provide any support or direction.  Layoffs are happening in July and I know which employee from my team is being laid off, so that is always fun to act like business as usual when you know it isn’t that way.  Then every couple of days, small, random layoffs occur throughout the company.  Any “decision” that is made is flip flopped within a matter of days.  (A week ago I was told that one of my employees needed to focus on only business tasks and hand off all tool development to IS, including taking away her security to do this.  We had a painful conversation, she’s been completely whiny and high maintenance since then because she doesn’t like the decision and today I’m told to have her go back to doing development work too.  Gee, thanks for flip flopping, putting me through all this crap in the last week and making me look like an incompetent manager.)  

Morale is horrible.  I’m already trying to exercise daily, including yoga a couple of times a week.  I try to tell myself to just let it go and take deep breaths.  Besides being a dessert-aholic, I generally eat pretty well.  But how is my body reacting?  Today my BP was 157/101 at work.  So I’m going to be monitoring that over the next week or two and discussing with my OB.  At home it was 128/84, so almost normal and pretty good considering I’m still going to have a little stress from dealing with work all day.  I don’t know what else to do–I can’t change what is happening there and am trying to change how I react.  The thought of going back tomorrow makes me want to bawl.  I feel so helpless right now!


24 week appt June 7, 2009

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Friday was my 24 week appt and it went well overall, but there were some shocking moments.  The great news is I’m measuring right where I should be, baby sounds great and cervix is nicely closed and doing what it needs to do.  My main concerns were the way spider veins are taking over my legs, recommendations on exercise since bladder is kicking into overdrive and that I feel pressure low, which I also mentioned at my 20 week appt.  I didn’t think much of that comment, since I also mentioned it isn’t very frequent.  Well, apparently that sets up some red flags, because she tells me they want to do a chemical test to see if I’ll be going into labor in the next few weeks.  GULP.  The test itself was like a pap and it was run within a few hours.  I’d get a call from the on call doc if there was a concern.  Now that two days have passed and I’ve gotten no call, it is safe to say I will not be going into labor in the next few weeks.  So it is kinda reassuring to know that at this point!  There were just some moments of terror associated with that appt.

As far as the spider veins, she recommended support hose.  They aren’t prescription and I guess I shouldn’t complain, because it is definitely worth it in the long run.  I actually put on a pair this morning and my legs felt great!  So that is cool.  And the exercise thing?  I was at the Y the other night, did a pre-emptive pee and was dying to pee again as soon as the elliptical started doing its thing!  I tried to hold it, but it was becoming kinda painful and I could feel a trickle….so I ran to the bathroom….only to have it happen again as soon as I got back on the elliptical!  He must be right on my bladder when I stand these days!  So she recommended being in the pool as well, so I’m going to try to do that a few times a week.  Walking seems to be going ok still.

Goals for June:

Finish painting nursery 

Get crib up

Purchase dresser and possibly rocker of some kind

Exercise every day (mind you, I counted walking around the mall and stopping for coffee cake with my mom exercise yesterday!)

Focus on mental preparation for child birth

Finish reading 2-3 child birth books

Start meditating 2x a week


First session with doula June 2, 2009

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Tonight was the first session with our doula, beyond the initial interview.  Lots of good information, but also lots of overwhelming feelings right now!  This post is just to help organize my thoughts.

Pregnancy and childbirth books

I gathered all my books together, both read and unread, to give her an idea of where we are at in preparing and thinking through the type of birth we want.  So far I’ve read The Thinking Women’s Guide to a Better Birth and The Official Lamaze Guide.  Both of these were not so much about birthing methods, but all the choices you face for medical interventions and the impact of each.  Obviously they are going to be biased, but I found them helpful.  In the unread stack, we have Birthing from Within, Husband Coached Childbirth, Natural Childbirth the Bradley Way, plus I have Ina May’s book and Pushed on hold at the library.  She thought these were all great choices and pointed out illustrations in the Natural Childbirth the Bradley Way for baby position and what is happening to mother and baby.  She also said the relaxation technique in there is something hubby and I should be practicing at least once a week.

Medications during birth

She did an overview of various medications that can be used in the various stages of birth.  Some was familiar from my reading, but it was helpful to hear that and to have hubby hear it.  Notes I made were:

Pitocin–I didn’t take notes about using it during childbirth, since it isn’t something I want to do and she said the docs at my clinic are extremely reluctant to use to induce labor.  It was interesting to hear that they do give a shot after delivering the placenta to help the uterus contract.  We have the option to wait to see if uterus will contract on its own.

Unisom, benadryl, Rx sleep aids–these may be taken during early labor to help rest during contractions.  

Nubane or epidural are choices for pain of contractions.

Nubane–this is used during active labor and can be difficult on baby if it is administered close to the time when delivery occurs.  They may have to administer more drugs to baby to counteract the effects of the meds.  Women have reported that it goes straight to their head in a drunk feeling, but in a way that makes you feel like you’ve gone too far.  She talked more about the impact to the moms, all very unsavory for someone like me who is impacted really heavily by meds.  We all agreed it probably wasn’t a good option given my track record, so I didn’t jot down everything.

Epidural–first is the numbing shot and then the large gauge needle into the back, which then has the epidural catheter strung through it.    Once you have an epidural, you can no longer get out of bed and will need some sort of catheter to empty the bladder.  The baby can be lethargic and it can impact the sucking reflex for quite some time after birth.  There will also be constant monitoring of my blood pressure and it can impact baby’s heartrate as well.

Sterile water injection–this is only for back labor, but is four injections right below the skin in the back.  It disrupts the signals for pain from back labor only, but not contractions.

Labor stages and going to hospital

Early labor is from 1-4 cm and the contractions can be inconsistent in strength and timing.  This can go on for days or weeks.

Active labor is from 4-7 cm.  Signs that you are transitioning to active labor include contractions every 2-3 mins, can’t talk through contractions, may be shaking, emotional and/or vomiting.  They want to see 1 cm every hour or so to show it is progressing.

Transition is from 7-10 cm.  With each stage, the key is to get over the step up to the next level and then settle into the contractions.   

I am thinking we’d wait until active labor to go to the hospital and she did give us some tips on that.  One is that once we get to the hospital, they will check baby’s heartrate and determine if we need constant monitoring or not.  To ensure a good reading, I’ll need to eat something and have a cold beverage with sugar and caffeine before going to the hospital.  Depending on if the water breaks before hand, I’ll need to check it to determine how soon we should go to the hospital.  If it is clear, we can labor at home.  Once you call the doc, they will say to come to the hospital and may not allow you to leave.  If there is meconium, with a neon yellow/green tint and some feces, it is important to get to the hospital, but we have time to pack the car and get organized.  If it is like pea soup, drop everything, call hospital, then call her on the way.

Things to eat and drink at home (and possibly at hospital) are smart water or vitamin water for the electrolytes (she even recommended drinking 1 per day throughout summer), tea and emergen-c (this can even be sprinkled on ice chips.)  Snacks are somewhat up to personal preference, but seemed to be a combo of protein for long lasting energy and sugar that you can quickly metabolize.  It reminded me of what I used during the marathons, so that was cool.  It will remind me of doing those and times where I’ve been challenged and successful.  


We talked about exercise and I told her I do a combo of prenatal yoga, walking, elliptical, biking and weight lifting.  She recommended again being in the pool at least 2x a week, floating on my belly.  Other things to do….

Sitting position–sit straight with hips wide, feet touching each other.  Or sit with feet on floor, hips wide, elbows on knees and stretch back.

Standing–stand with hips wide and sway from side to side or in circles.

Pelvic tilts–on all fours, with a flat back, do pelvic tilts.  By 37 weeks, she wanted to see me doing 100x a day!  Do last set before sleeping.

Sleeping position–if on the right side, just kinda be in fetal position with knees bent and stacked.  Use as many pillows as I want along right side.  On left side, this is tricky to describe.  Kinda have left arm and leg straight and behind you.  Then right knee and arm can be bent in front of you.  The idea is that you are tilting towards your left.  I can’t really describe it better than that.

All of these things are to get baby in the ideal birth position.  Our next steps are to work on the birth plan (complete mid-July) and meet again in early July.  Overall, I’m really happy we have made the decision to use a doula.  There is so much to think about and I love that we have someone to guide us along this path.