Dream you’re mine

The journey from miscarriage to whatever comes next

Update….but mostly ranting and raving! February 11, 2009

Filed under: Uncategorized — agplatters @ 12:26 am
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Update:  I have my third u/s on Friday.  Luckily the nurse was really understanding about my concerns and willing to do another one this week.  Unfortunately, my doc is out this week, so I still won’t have a chance to see her since I’ve seen the RE up to this point.  

Lunch date about the Russia adoption program:  So in Dec, we started researching adoption and meeting with agencies.  I had asked a coworker to lunch to pick her brain, since they had done two adoptions through Russia.  She had wonderful things to say about her experience, but was also realistic about the mounds of paperwork, the invasiveness of the process, the emotions, the experience of getting referrals for children with health issues, all of it.  It was a great lunch, although I did feel a little guilty and awkward.  Especially when asked what our timeline is.  Whatever the outcome is of this pregnancy, I do still want to adopt from there.  So here are some tips she shared:

  • Select an agency that can place in all regions, rather than being limited to particular regions of the country.
  • It is expected that you bring gifts to the orphanages.  She would go to stores at the end of season and pick up tons of clearance items for a few dollars a piece.
  • Do not give gifts made in China.  I had actually read that before, but it is a good reminder.
  • Both of her children were 2.5 when they were placed.  We want a 2-3 year old.  They were both out of diapers and in cribs (I asked about this as I know there can be developmental delays, but sometimes I see a good deal and think “maybe I should get that?”)
  • The transition can be very difficult.  It took a solid year for their daughter to open up to dad and it adds an additional level of stress to your relationship.  

I know there was more and I will add as I remember them.  It has been an overwhelming day.

RANT:  So we haven’t told many people about this pregnancy.  I guess there are a few reasons.  One is that we are just tired of telling people and then having to tell them we lost the baby again.  Very few people even know about the five miscarriages.  It is just exhausting enough to deal with your own emotions, but to add all the questions and excitement from other people is an added stress level that I don’t want to deal with at this time.  Another reason is that even when we tell people we lost a baby, we get very little support.  People don’t know what to say, so they don’t say ANYTHING.  That doesn’t happen the first couple of times.  And I guess I just want to keep it to myself for now, protected in my womb.  

So you lovely ladies know.  And a total of four girlfriends–two have also gone through losses (and also they don’t have any relationship with the rest of the folks we know) and two others who are really close (also safe because they know other friends, but aren’t friends with them directly.)  I’ve mainly been going to work and hibernating because I am too tired and don’t want to deal with the “why aren’t you drinking?” looks and comments.  

Imagine my surprise today when I get an email titled “word around town” and the text is “is it true?”  Now this is from a friend who didn’t even contact me for over a month after I lost a baby at 12.5 weeks.  She’s pregnant now, which I heard through the grapevine…she was trying to set up a lunch date, to tell me I’m sure.  I gracefully bowed out, told her I heard her news and congrats.  That was a month ago and I haven’t heard a word since.  So I get on the phone to my husband to find out who he has told–apparently three friends, who are all part of this larger group of friends.  This means everyone knows.

First off, I don’t want to talk about it.  But the other thing that really pisses me off is this…..let’s say for once, we have GOOD news to share about a pregnancy.  Why isn’t that our news to share?  Aren’t we owed that after the longest first tri ever and pain piled onto more pain?!?  And then the real kicker is that two of our friends in this group are pregnant.  So they are going to be all into talking about pregnancy stuff and saying how fun it will be to be pregnant together and all that crap.  They totally take for granted that when they are pregnant, they get to have a baby.  What if they get to continue on their happy little pregnant path and I don’t?  

Wouldn’t be the first time.  

I didn’t respond to the email.  I don’t know when I will or what I’ll say.  Needless to say, my hubby is totally in the dog house.

Sorry for being in such a crabby mood.  I just had to scream a bit!


2 Responses to “Update….but mostly ranting and raving!”

  1. Lisa Says:

    Hey Nancy – I am looking forward to your update on Friday! Sorry you have to go through the friend drama – I hear you – I do not want to tell anyone, it is such a drag….

    Thinking of you! I will not have internet until the 23rd but I will catch up when I can at work!

  2. Andrea Says:

    Yikes! That’s so not cool of your husband. I really hope this is the one that makes it and this is the pregnancy you can talk about with your friends. You deserve to go through pregnancy happy.

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