Lots of random stuff to say today! First of all, I’m 11 weeks today. I lost the second one at 11 weeks, but thanks to the doppler, I just heard a healthy little heartbeat at 175. Yea! I honestly would lose my mind without that thing. Now I just need to get through when I lost the fourth one (12w3d) and found out at the NT scan (which is scheduled for 13w2d this time around.) Maybe my anxiety level will go down then?
We also ordered our first baby purchase. I still view things as we could have this baby or we could adopt a 2-3 year old, so some purchases are too baby specific and I’m not ready for that. Our philosophy will be to not go overboard and to research and look for deals. Well, I think the Up.pa Baby stroller is really cool for it’s versatility and environmental focus. Aren’t they also made in the US? But then I also wonder how much I’d really use the bassinet feature since the kid would be born in Sept, I want to primarily do baby wearing when small and I live in MN. We probably won’t really start using the stroller heavily until the spring. But then there is a circumstance that is just to hard to resist–hubby works p/t in a bike shop and can get BOB strollers just over cost. And he can then just work it off. We have two friends who love their BOBs and we like to do outdoorsy things. So we ordered the BOB in mesa orange.
I know people like to go in on larger items at showers. I just don’t know if I want to have any showers. I don’t know when I’ll be able to let go of the fear enough and stop waiting for the other shoe to drop.
One challenge of infertility and/or miscarriages that is a surprise is how often you have to deal with other people’s feelings. I know I’ve changed and I’m typically pretty private (ironic that I have this blog, no?) So I’m sure part of it is they do not know how to react to me. There have just been a couple of things that happened recently that illustrate how they make it about themselves. First of all, my mom saw the u/s photo on the fridge and asked about it. I knew it was there and inevitable, but her reaction was pretty surprising. She covered her mouth and her eyes welled up in tears. You know, this may be the first time she’s actually seen one of my u/s–they live 6 hours away and I don’t feel like my babies were ever real to them. But they were tears of concern and the thought of “why would you cause yourself so much pain again?” And what does she say??? “Were you going to tell us?” It’s not like I’m a teenager or just gave birth to a child they didn’t know about! I was 10 weeks. Whatever. We talked about it and I told her not to tell anyone, since she blabbed to my brothers last time.
Then yesterday a friend emails. I love her dearly, but she struggles to understand where I’m at and has two boys, which just complicates things for me. So she asks me some questions, including “do you have another u/s today?” Why she would think that, I have no idea. So I responded to her other questions. She asks AGAIN. I’m tired of being polite about this and not putting my needs first. So since she obviously wasn’t letting it go, I said “Sorry if this sounds snotty, but it is really stressful being pregnant for the sixth time and there is a lot of anxiety to it. Asking questions adds more stress. I can’t explain why that is or how it feels, but that is what it does. I promise I will keep you posted.” Oh and I answered her questions. That wasn’t so bad? Would you be offended by that? I’m not sure how to take her response. She said it must be really stressful and seemed to understand. Then she pulled out her own emotions of “I’ve tried to reach out to you and I’ve tried to give you space, so I’m not really sure what to do.” I thought I was clear on what to do. Don’t ask me about the pregnancy. Is that really all we have to talk about? What about work, husbands, good movies, the weather?!?! It really sounded like she was cutting off communication and putting it in my hands. Why can’t people just adjust their own behavior and meet you where you are?
The thing is, sometimes we feel confident about being pregnant and can talk about it. Other times, we are filled with worry and just want to make it through today. Most of the time we just kind of float along holding our breath and when we get those questions, it is going to make us aware of which place we are at and, the fact that it isn’t on our terms, (when so much of this is out of our controls) tips the scale to fear.
Also last night I watched Sex and the City and thought it was stupid. It made light of Charlotte’s infertility, serious problems were wrapped up in an instant and the stories were just so one-dimensional. I wasn’t expecting a lot, but it didn’t even meet that.
Ok, those are all the random thoughts in my head right now.