Dream you’re mine

The journey from miscarriage to whatever comes next

Milestone, baby gear and people’s emotions February 28, 2009

Lots of random stuff to say today!  First of all, I’m 11 weeks today.  I lost the second one at 11 weeks, but thanks to the doppler, I just heard a healthy little heartbeat at 175.  Yea!  I honestly would lose my mind without that thing.  Now I just need to get through when I lost the fourth one (12w3d) and found out at the NT scan (which is scheduled for 13w2d this time around.)  Maybe my anxiety level will go down then?

We also ordered our first baby purchase.  I still view things as we could have this baby or we could adopt a 2-3 year old, so some purchases are too baby specific and I’m not ready for that.  Our philosophy will be to not go overboard and to research and look for deals.  Well, I think the Up.pa Baby stroller is really cool for it’s versatility and environmental focus.  Aren’t they also made in the US?  But then I also wonder how much I’d really use the bassinet feature since the kid would be born in Sept, I want to primarily do baby wearing when small and I live in MN.  We probably won’t really start using the stroller heavily until the spring.  But then there is a circumstance that is just to hard to resist–hubby works p/t in a bike shop and can get BOB strollers just over cost.  And he can then just work it off.  We have two friends who love their BOBs and we like to do outdoorsy things.  So we ordered the BOB in mesa orange.

I know people like to go in on larger items at showers.  I just don’t know if I want to have any showers.  I don’t know when I’ll be able to let go of the fear enough and stop waiting for the other shoe to drop.

One challenge of infertility and/or miscarriages that is a surprise is how often you have to deal with other people’s feelings.  I know I’ve changed and I’m typically pretty private (ironic that I have this blog, no?)  So I’m sure part of it is they do not know how to react to me.  There have just been a couple of things that happened recently that illustrate how they make it about themselves.  First of all, my mom saw the u/s photo on the fridge and asked about it.  I knew it was there and inevitable, but her reaction was pretty surprising.  She covered her mouth and her eyes welled up in tears.  You know, this may be the first time she’s actually seen one of my u/s–they live 6 hours away and I don’t feel like my babies were ever real to them.  But they were tears of concern and the thought of “why would you cause yourself so much pain again?”  And what does she say???  “Were you going to tell us?”  It’s not like I’m a teenager or just gave birth to a child they didn’t know about!  I was 10 weeks.  Whatever.  We talked about it and I told her not to tell anyone, since she blabbed to my brothers last time.

Then yesterday a friend emails.  I love her dearly, but she struggles to understand where I’m at and has two boys, which just complicates things for me.  So she asks me some questions, including “do you have another u/s today?”  Why she would think that, I have no idea.  So I responded to her other questions.  She asks AGAIN.  I’m tired of being polite about this and not putting my needs first.  So since she obviously wasn’t letting it go, I said “Sorry if this sounds snotty, but it is really stressful being pregnant for the sixth time and there is a lot of anxiety to it.  Asking questions adds more stress.  I can’t explain why that is or how it feels, but that is what it does.  I promise I will keep you posted.”  Oh and I answered her questions.  That wasn’t so bad?  Would you be offended by that?  I’m not sure how to take her response.  She said it must be really stressful and seemed to understand.  Then she pulled out her own emotions of “I’ve tried to reach out to you and I’ve tried to give you space, so I’m not really sure what to do.”  I thought I was clear on what to do.  Don’t ask me about the pregnancy.  Is that really all we have to talk about?  What about work, husbands, good movies, the weather?!?!  It really sounded like she was cutting off communication and putting it in my hands.  Why can’t people just adjust their own behavior and meet you where you are?

The thing is, sometimes we feel confident about being pregnant and can talk about it.  Other times, we are filled with worry and just want to make it through today.  Most of the time we just kind of float along holding our breath and when we get those questions, it is going to make us aware of which place we are at and, the fact that it isn’t on our terms, (when so much of this is out of our controls) tips the scale to fear.  

Also last night I watched Sex and the City and thought it was stupid.  It made light of Charlotte’s infertility, serious problems were wrapped up in an instant and the stories were just so one-dimensional.  I wasn’t expecting a lot, but it didn’t even meet that.

Ok, those are all the random thoughts in my head right now.

 

First official visit with my OB February 23, 2009

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OMG.  My doc rocks!  So I’m nervous as all get out today, because I never have good news this far along.  I have my list of questions and concerns and am ready to duke it out if they aren’t going to use the doppler or give me another ultrasound.  So my doc walks in and the first thing she says is “let’s find that heartbeat.  We can talk about other stuff afterwards.”

She’s a woman with a mission!  

She found the little heart beating away and wanted to keep listening for herself.  How sweet is that?  She told me I could come in every day and ask the nurse to find the heartbeat if I wanted.  She said she kinda wants me to come in every week so she can hear it, but she won’t make me.  And even though they typically rotate between all the docs there, she made sure my next two appts are with her.

It was such an enormous relief to have her be beaming and so excited, but also recognizing that they need to alleviate my fears as much as they can.  She even said she was nervous when she walked in today!  It also feels more “legit” to have the doc say everything sounds good.  I feel like I can finally start getting excited and thinking towards the future with this little one.  So today I’m flying high!

 

Other good news: not baby related February 22, 2009

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When my husband and I met, we both owned 1920s, small bungalows a block away from each other.  Three years ago I sold mine and moved to his.  This meant we had enough stuff to fill two of these houses in one and I brought two cats and an 80 lbs dog with me.  We were crowded and our plan was to look for something bigger…although due to all the animals and stuff, we wanted to buy a place, move in and then sell.

So we saved up money to be able to do that.  We talked about what we both wanted in a house.  And then one day last April, I walked the dog past a house that looked promising–full two stories and three car garage (in the city!) are tough to find, so we thought we’d check it out.  We ended up looking at maybe a dozen houses and, the more we looked, the more we fell in love with this house.  So we made an offer in May.  And we waited.  And waited.  Because this was a short sale and we had to wait for the seller’s bank’s approval to write off what they would be losing.

We finally got the call in August that the offer was accepted!  We moved in a few weeks later, made a few upgrades and purchases, and have been making double mortgage payments since October.  

We knew hubby’s house would be tough to sell.  Let’s just say it is kinda “boy”.  I did what I could in my time there!  We had put in new windows, sidewalk, redone the entire bath and kitchen, etc.  But the real hard part is that it is on a busy street and there is nothing you can do about that, so we knew a lot of people would be turned off.  Last week we pulled it from the market to get the hardwood floors redone, to either appeal to additional buyers or protect our house for the possibility of renters.  

And then we got an offer!!!!  After four months on the market, we got an offer of the full purchase amount, with $5k in closing costs.  I still can’t believe we got an offer AND it was good.  Closing date is March 31.  Woo hoo!!!

And as an added bonus, we haven’t touched our savings during this time.  I might have to for this next month, but I’m really proud of us that we made it work (while still doing Christmas presents and a mini-vacation!) and it is good practice since it is probably what we’ll spend on day care and stuff for a baby.

 

I heard the heartbeat!!! February 18, 2009

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OMG.  I am so darn excited!  And relieved!  And shocked!  I rented a doppler last week and have tried it a couple of times, knowing it is on the early side.  (I’m 9w3d today.)  So today my uterus feels really firm and near the surface, so I thought I’d give it another whirl.  I started low and went all the way up the “uterus region”…..nothing.  Then I thought “what the heck?  That took all of two minutes, let try going back down.”  All the sudden I heard this totally different sound than I had been hearing and the digital reading was fluctuating between 173-177.  It had to be it, but my trusted friend google would be able to confirm.  One “fetal heartbeat sound” search later and I heard the same sound coming from my computer!

Yea, little one!  I am absolutely in awe and so excited that baby is growing with a healthy heartbeat much longer than any of the rest and now I can have reassurance any time.  Woo hoo!!!

And Lisa, if you are out there, I’ve been thinking about you–hope the move and meds are going well!

 

Baby is beating away! February 14, 2009

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Everything looked good at the u/s yesterday.  I was 8w6d and she measured baby at 8w4d at the most–averaged to 8w3d.  I was so worried that it would be more than the 4 days behind from last week and indicate that something was wrong, so it was very reassuring to gain a little of that back.  It can seem like the normal variation now.  

Heartbeat was 175.  There were little arms and some wobbly movement.  Today I’m really feeling positive about this pregnancy!

And look at this adorable nursery…..I am planning on doing ours in yellow because it is a sunny room and it would really make it glow.  But now I’m thinking maybe I should do my own version of this?  I could still do yellow, but with the aqua and red accents.  They may just be harder to find?

http://www.ohdeedoh.com/ohdeedoh/nursery-tours/my-room-little-p-massachusetts-076389

 

Update….but mostly ranting and raving! February 11, 2009

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Update:  I have my third u/s on Friday.  Luckily the nurse was really understanding about my concerns and willing to do another one this week.  Unfortunately, my doc is out this week, so I still won’t have a chance to see her since I’ve seen the RE up to this point.  

Lunch date about the Russia adoption program:  So in Dec, we started researching adoption and meeting with agencies.  I had asked a coworker to lunch to pick her brain, since they had done two adoptions through Russia.  She had wonderful things to say about her experience, but was also realistic about the mounds of paperwork, the invasiveness of the process, the emotions, the experience of getting referrals for children with health issues, all of it.  It was a great lunch, although I did feel a little guilty and awkward.  Especially when asked what our timeline is.  Whatever the outcome is of this pregnancy, I do still want to adopt from there.  So here are some tips she shared:

  • Select an agency that can place in all regions, rather than being limited to particular regions of the country.
  • It is expected that you bring gifts to the orphanages.  She would go to stores at the end of season and pick up tons of clearance items for a few dollars a piece.
  • Do not give gifts made in China.  I had actually read that before, but it is a good reminder.
  • Both of her children were 2.5 when they were placed.  We want a 2-3 year old.  They were both out of diapers and in cribs (I asked about this as I know there can be developmental delays, but sometimes I see a good deal and think “maybe I should get that?”)
  • The transition can be very difficult.  It took a solid year for their daughter to open up to dad and it adds an additional level of stress to your relationship.  

I know there was more and I will add as I remember them.  It has been an overwhelming day.

RANT:  So we haven’t told many people about this pregnancy.  I guess there are a few reasons.  One is that we are just tired of telling people and then having to tell them we lost the baby again.  Very few people even know about the five miscarriages.  It is just exhausting enough to deal with your own emotions, but to add all the questions and excitement from other people is an added stress level that I don’t want to deal with at this time.  Another reason is that even when we tell people we lost a baby, we get very little support.  People don’t know what to say, so they don’t say ANYTHING.  That doesn’t happen the first couple of times.  And I guess I just want to keep it to myself for now, protected in my womb.  

So you lovely ladies know.  And a total of four girlfriends–two have also gone through losses (and also they don’t have any relationship with the rest of the folks we know) and two others who are really close (also safe because they know other friends, but aren’t friends with them directly.)  I’ve mainly been going to work and hibernating because I am too tired and don’t want to deal with the “why aren’t you drinking?” looks and comments.  

Imagine my surprise today when I get an email titled “word around town” and the text is “is it true?”  Now this is from a friend who didn’t even contact me for over a month after I lost a baby at 12.5 weeks.  She’s pregnant now, which I heard through the grapevine…she was trying to set up a lunch date, to tell me I’m sure.  I gracefully bowed out, told her I heard her news and congrats.  That was a month ago and I haven’t heard a word since.  So I get on the phone to my husband to find out who he has told–apparently three friends, who are all part of this larger group of friends.  This means everyone knows.

First off, I don’t want to talk about it.  But the other thing that really pisses me off is this…..let’s say for once, we have GOOD news to share about a pregnancy.  Why isn’t that our news to share?  Aren’t we owed that after the longest first tri ever and pain piled onto more pain?!?  And then the real kicker is that two of our friends in this group are pregnant.  So they are going to be all into talking about pregnancy stuff and saying how fun it will be to be pregnant together and all that crap.  They totally take for granted that when they are pregnant, they get to have a baby.  What if they get to continue on their happy little pregnant path and I don’t?  

Wouldn’t be the first time.  

I didn’t respond to the email.  I don’t know when I will or what I’ll say.  Needless to say, my hubby is totally in the dog house.

Sorry for being in such a crabby mood.  I just had to scream a bit!

 

Second ultrasound February 5, 2009

Filed under: Uncategorized — agplatters @ 10:33 pm
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So I woke up at 2 am and never got back to sleep.  That was enough to make me call the RE to switch my ultrasound to today, instead of Monday, so I could actually sleep again.  And one thing I’ve gotta say about the RE, it is awesome having same day appointments!

The fab news from the u/s is the heart was beating away at 167.  That is an awesome number!  The thing that wasn’t so awesome?  They measured me at 7w1d, four days behind where I am supposed to be.  That translates to 5 days of growth in a 9 day period.  That is not cool.  Of course, they say it is no big deal, the baby is so tiny it is hard to get the exact measure, blah blah blah….

I’ve heard that before.  I was measuring behind on my second loss and they said not to worry.  I’m not so trusting this time.  

So I’m going to try to get into my OB next week for another u/s and bring up my concerns that they need to see me every week or so until I hit the second tri.  I love my OB when I miscarry.  They are wonderful then.  When I’m pregnant?  They act like I’m just any other normal pregnant lady and that I should just relax.  Unless they are putting me into a medically induced coma for the next 5 weeks, I can guarantee there will be moments where I feel confident and happy, but also lots of moments of the exact opposite.