Dream you’re mine

The journey from miscarriage to whatever comes next

A year later… January 3, 2009

Filed under: Uncategorized — agplatters @ 2:31 pm

I’ve been dreading today for awhile now.  It has been a year since my second loss, the one I haven’t been able to bring myself to write about.  It wasn’t my longest pregnancy, but I guess it was when I still lived in a place of hope and could relate to people in my life.

So here’s the story.  After our first miscarriage, which was around 6 weeks, we were sad and shocked.  There were people that whispered, “I had one too” as they held their babies.  And we thought “wow, at least we know we can get pregnant, so let’s try again right away!”  At the time, trying right away seemed like a good idea and gave me something to focus on and control.  (Ha!  You’d think I’d given up on that control thing a long time ago!)  And trying right again worked.  I went right into another pregnancy without a break.  I felt tired and bloated.  My boobs were huge.  And I thought I had paid my dues and, although I was gripped by anxiety at every trip to the bathroom, I thought this one would work just like all the people I knew.

I had some spotting at 7 weeks.  My clinic got me in right away.  There was a heart beat, although they couldn’t get a read on the rate.  They said the growth was a little behind, but that was normal and they’d see me at 12 weeks.  I didn’t know any better, so I believed them.  Now I’d insist on a follow up ultrasound.

Around 9-10 weeks, I started feeling better.  I wondered if something was wrong, but everyone says you are supposed to start feeling better as you get close to the second tri.  I was never pukey, which was surprising…I’m a puker.  But my biological mom told me she never was with her 4 pregnancies either.  

Then, at 11 weeks, I started bleeding.  Like a period.  It is all kinda a blur now–I was at work, v upset, calling my doc.  They got me in for an u/s right away and there was no heart beat and lots of blood.  Although the u/s tech wouldn’t tell us it was over, I knew it was.  As we walked out of the hospital, I felt something coming out of me with some cramping.  And that was it.  And then I knew this was more than a fluke–there was something else going on with me.  With us.  

The testing started.  I talked to a counselor.  I took over a week off of work.  I had three more miscarriages in 2008.  

Baby, I still miss you.  I miss me too.  I miss having hope.  I miss looking forward to things, making plans.  I miss all the people I care about.  I suppose I’ve pushed them away some, but my family and friends don’t understand or know what to say.  So they don’t say anything.  Or they tell you they are getting a grandmother’s ring for Christmas (my mom) or write only about their grandchildren in their Christmas letter (my parents.)  Or they tell me about their pregnancies (those who don’t know about ours) or they let the grapevine take care of it (those who do know.)  

There are a few exceptions and I’m very grateful for them.  And I’ve met wonderful women who have been there and understand.  What would I do without you?

So here it is, another year later.  I think today I’ll make my favorite chili, get some endorphins going at the gym, take the dog for a nice long walk.  It isn’t the day I was supposed to have, but maybe it will be ok.


5 Responses to “A year later…”

  1. Lisa Says:

    Nancy – I wish I could give you a real hug right now ((HUGS)). I can relate to your post – I just posted and I may as well have copied bits and pieces from yours. I wish I could go back to that place too – I wish I could just have a little of it. I wish I knew whether it was going to work for sure. I wish I could get back to my life 100%.

    I wish that we could be fully satisfied with making chili, exercising (I just got off of the treadmill) and walking the dogs – it is not what you should be doing and it is not what I want to be doing but I have to believe that IT WILL BE OKAY. I am not sure what else there is.

  2. Wow… 2008 has been very hard on you. I am going through my very first miscarriage and I still struggle with the emotions. And you went through 4 such ones. Unbelievable!! That is just way too much pain to bear. I hope that 2009 proves to be a better year in providing the answers that we are looking for — one way or another! ((HUGS))

  3. Jenn Says:

    I’m so sorry, 2008 has been a truly terrible year for you. I hope 2009 is a much better year, it’s got to be right????

    I still grieve over my 2nd m/c the most, it was the one that I just assumed would work b/c I had already had one m/c. I still get upset thinking about that one. The third and fourth don’t bother me nearly as much, and I think it is because all hope and optimism was destroyed with the 2nd loss.

  4. brenda Says:

    How do you go on? That’s my biggest issue. There is not a day that goes by that I don’t think about my baby. We lost her in July 2007 (due January 31, 2008). I look at pregnant women and all I can think about is how much I hate them! I can’t watch diaper commercials and feel so sad that there are days I feel like I am chocking. I have two other children (almost grown), a career and partnership (on the verge of breaking). I feel like I will never be happy again. My sister in law is pregnant and she goes on and on as if she has completely forgotten about my baby. My partner says I “should be happy for them” and I think…really, WHY, why should I be happy for them. Are they better than me? why do they get a baby and I don’t?
    I apoligize for carrying on like a nut. I just can’t seem to get on with life. I feel like I will forever be sad.
    Am I the only person who feels like this?

  5. agplatters Says:

    Hi Brenda,
    We all go through times where seeing a pregnant woman is like a knife in the heart or people act like we should be over it or just wanting to know why the outcome can’t be different. No need to apologize. This is a safe place for getting all of that out. Nobody can understand unless they’ve been through it. So I guess what has helped me is finding other women who have those same experiences, whether online or in person. I also went to a counselor for coping with the grief, because you have every right to grieve the loss of your child. The one thing that stuck with me is to deal with the one underlying emotion–sadness. So even though I have my moments of wanting to scream if I see another pregnant woman, I remind myself I’m not mad at her. I’m sad for me. Hang in there. It does get easier. The time leading up to the due date is so hard, but your hope and happiness will return again. It will just be a little different.

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