Dream you’re mine

The journey from miscarriage to whatever comes next

Week 7 January 31, 2009

Filed under: Uncategorized — agplatters @ 3:15 pm
Tags: , ,

Today is 7 weeks and baby is the size of a blueberry.  I’m still feeling confident that this is the one, but I just wish time would go by faster!  This is a scary time.  The one I lost at 11 w stopped growing during the 6th week and the one I lost at 12w4d stopped growing at 8w4d.  Both were after seeing the heartbeat, so there is some deep down fear going on inside me.  I’m trying hard to live in the present, but cannot forget the past.

I picked up some meditation/guided imagery CDs that I do every other day or so.  That is really helping me stay calm and gather as much positive energy as I can.  One is a book and CD called “Meditations for Pregnancy.”  The book has an affirmation for each week and tips for the week.  So for week 7 it talks about how the face is starting to form, specifically the nose.  And how you (they are affirmations kinda between you and the baby) will smell so many wonderful things in life and breathe deeply.  I like how it celebrates the development that is occurring and looks to how the baby will use that in life.  One of the tips is about accepting your feelings and being gentle with yourself for any negative ones.  So the book is really helpful on centering on what is occurring right now.  The CD is pretty simple.  Just some new age-y music and basic meditation stuff–not to say I’m some kind of advanced meditator!  But it is “feel the air you are breathing in going through your body, acknowledge your feelings and let them go, etc.”  There is v little that is actually pregnancy related.

The other is called “Healthy Pregnancy and Successful Childbirth.”  It is a 2 CD set, although the second one  is more for when you get close to delivery.  The first CD is v much about pregnancy.  It really focuses on how your body is supporting the life inside of you.  So if you just want the CD, this is better at addressing what is happening in your life currently.  There was one big shocker though.  It talks about how your body has the wisdom to support this life and expel it when that is the right thing to do.  I about had a heart attack the first time I heard that!  It just fed into the anxiety I’m trying to keep at bay.  But as I have listened to it more, it has given me more peace and acceptance to trust my body.

Last night we saw Slumdog Millionaire.  It was good, but I’m ashamed of myself for not knowing more about India and other parts of the world.  It is strange to say, but it is kind of a happy, feel good movie.  Yet it also contains violence, poverty, abuse, corruption, orphans, greed.  Lots of unhappy topics.  So it felt like a lot to take in and I’m still feeling a bit conflicted due to going from feelings of “oh, that is so horrible and sad” to “yes, something happy!”


The rest of the story about doc appt yesterday January 29, 2009

Filed under: Uncategorized — agplatters @ 12:55 am

First off, there is no bad news in this post!  No additional good news either, but I just have to get some things off my chest about the appt yesterday.  So I am still at the RE, even though it was a DIY month when I got pregnant this time.  So the conversation before the ultrasound went like this:

nurse:  Did you get your period after the letrozole cycle?

me: No, I had a chemical pregnancy.  (Why do they NEVER review your charts anyway?!?)

nurse:  Did we make sure your levels went down to zero?

me: No, but it went below 10, which I was told by the nurse was non-pregnant, so we stopped the blood tests then.  

nurse:  So when did you start bleeing?

me:  I don’t know.  Sometime around that last beta.  Either that day or the next.

At this point, I can tell she is questioning if I’m actually pregnant or if it is leftover from the previous cycle.  Never mind my betas in early Dec went from 20 to just over 20 to below 10 and a week or so ago they went from 75 to 550.  Never mind this is my sixth time I’m pregnant and might just kinda have a clue of what is going on in my body.  She continues to question when I was bleeding, when I ovulated, etc etc.  Then….

nurse:  Well, how do we know how far along you are if you don’t know any of these dates?

me:  I have it all at home.  I just don’t know what they are off the top of my head.  I think I’m 6w3d.

nurse:  Do you have any symptoms?

Yes, she seriously asked me that.  Oh yes, nurse, you are right.  I’m faking the pregnancy!!!  She ended up being quite lovely once she saw an actual baby in there.  She did s a little surprised that the baby was 6w3d, “just like you thought.”  I managed not to say I TOLD YOU SO!!!!

Sometimes I just feel like the medical professionals feel like unless they tell you something and control every aspect of your care, it isn’t true.  Maybe that is actually more at the REs office.  My OB is all about providing you with loads of info and feels that patients are v educated individuals these days.  So this isn’t a rant against all medical professionals.  There are many fab people out there.  I just didn’t appreciate being grilled yesterday on whether, in fact, I am actually pregnant or not.  Geez.


Baby has a good, strong heartbeat! January 27, 2009

Filed under: Uncategorized — agplatters @ 3:05 pm

OMG.  I was so nervous about this appointment.  And now I want to call in “happy” to work, because I just want to bask in my happiness and not deal with work.  

Baby was measuring right on time at 6w3d and the heartbeat was 117.


All is fine with the baby! January 25, 2009

Filed under: Uncategorized — agplatters @ 12:48 am
Tags: ,

Thanks for asking about the baby!  You are all so sweet.  I’m exhausted and my brain barely has the ability to form complete sentences right now, so that is why I haven’t posted much.  And all the usual symptoms–sore boobs, out-farting the dog, sometimes nauseous (but not too bad and oh, how I would love to have this symptom in full force!)  We go for an ultrasound on Tuesday at 8 am, so I’ll update then.

I’ve also gotten some meditation/guided imagery CDs that I’ll be writing about soon.  I’ve got one more CD to go.


Look what I’m going to buy! January 24, 2009

Filed under: Uncategorized — agplatters @ 2:44 pm

I’ve had my eye on the Bridget rug from pottery barn for a long time.  It just has a fun, happy, cute vibe–all things I’ve been in short supply of in the past year or so!  My hubby shot me down from getting it awhile back, but we are now working on the spare bedroom and it would be so lovely in there.  And it is on sale!  Not to mention I’m saving so much money not buying wine these days.  Meant to be, no?

Bridget Rug – Blue

Bridget Rug, 2.5 x 9', Blue


Second beta January 13, 2009

Filed under: Uncategorized — agplatters @ 6:51 pm
Tags: ,

My first beta was on Fri, around 11-13 dpo.  It was 75.8.  A good, solid number.  Today was my second beta four days later, so they wanted to see at least 300 with doubling every two days.  It was 550!!!  I think I’m 17 DPO today.

We are still open to various options of building our family, whether through giving birth to a child, adopting or both.  There seems to be a notion in society that biological children are the preferred method of building a family.  I don’t have a preference one way or another.  It would be easier to carry and give birth to a child, even after all the losses over the last year and a half, all the medical tests, treatments, insensitive comments, and alienation.  That still seems easier to me than all the paperwork and uncertain timeframes of adoption.  But both would totally be worth it.  

So it is a long road ahead either way.  But whatever path we ultimately end up taking, we’ll be parents.  Someday, someway.


Second adoption agency info meeting January 11, 2009

Filed under: Uncategorized — agplatters @ 3:09 pm
Tags: ,

Yesterday we attended an adoption information meeting with another agency.  It would be a very different experience with this agency.  For international, they work directly with Colombia and are starting a pilot program in Ghana.  Otherwise, you would need to select another agency for placement, which could be located anywhere in the country.

I was very impressed with the speaker.  He has been working in adoption for 25 years and was incredibly insightful.  He really stressed that as an adoption agency, their main focus is doing what is best for the kids, not the adoptive parents.  But that as adoptive parents, we are consumers of services and have every right to have a thorough understanding of what we are purchasing.  The fees look like they work like this in international:

Registration=around $50 which gets you a copy of the application

Application=$500 to complete (this does not include any fees you need to spend to get copies of marriage certificates, birth certificates, etc to complete the app)

Home study=$2-3k at the agencies we’ve talked to so far.  He said that some agencies will offer a really low home study price to get you to choose them and then charge high costs in post placement services, so to consider the total cost.  These also need to be updated annually, so it is important to understand if they charge additional fees for that.  If you will be using two agencies, you need to make sure your home study will be accepted by the second one and that there are not additional fees for that.

Processing fee=$3-5k from what I remember.  This goes to the agency you do your home study through and includes 2 day training, costs for social workers, etc.  

Program fee=approximately $14-15k for Russia from what I’ve seen so far.  This is for the services in the country.  Part goes directly to the orphanage.  It also goes to the staff in the country who facilitate your travel, translators, etc when you are there.  This does not include travel costs.  Program fees vary by country.

Those are the main fees.  My question at both agencies is what happens if you are in the process of adopting from a country and it closes.  Are any fees transferrable?  At the first agency, they said you may get some back.  At the second, he explained that your program fee may be at risk if any of the money has been spent on services so far.  He talked about how the closure of Guatemala impacted families in that regard.  It was a very thorough, transparent explanation.

He also had a slide from 2007 on the number of international adoptions from each country.  This info is available on the government website that I think is listed in my links.  He said something that was shocking, which isn’t on the gov website.  Did you know that 1500 American children were adopted internationally in 2007?  That other countries are adopting American children?  It really makes you question your beliefs about adoption.  We didn’t get into details on that–I assume they are older and may have special needs, which is why they aren’t being adopted here.  

He also talked about domestic and special needs adoption.  Special needs are kids in the foster system, typically older than 6, who most likely have emotional and/or physical issues due to their background.  He admitted that first time parents aren’t what they are looking for with these kids–they want experienced parents who have already raised teenagers.  Their domestic program seems more successful than the first agency, probably because it is more of an area of focus.  They placed 62 children last year and currently have about 45 families in their book.  

So I’m not sure at this point, which route we would take.  I do like the seamlessness of working with one agency and having cultural support on-going, like the first agency.  But I also feel the second one is very knowledgeable and trustworthy–very open about the pros and cons, what to watch for.  I so wish they could deliver all the services.  

There are a couple of things that appeal to me when looking at agencies.  One is that they provide other services besides adoption.  The reason is that if their adoption program is struggling financially, they have other resources to shift around and remain solvent.  The other is that it is local, so we can keep the money (besides the program fee) in our local community.  (Speaking of our local community, we found out yesterday that Minnesota has the highest per capita rate of adoption and is recognized as one of the leaders in adoption nationally.)  So if we selected agency two, we’d probably be going against both of those things.  The majority of the agencies approved by the Russian Federation are only adoption agencies.  

So anyway….we are learning a lot and have many decisions ahead of us.  In additional news, I’m pregnant.  Yes, again.  So this will delay our pursuit of adoption for the time being.  We weren’t trying, so I don’t know exactly where I’m at, but just over 4 weeks.  I had my first beta on Thurs at probably 11-13 dpo and it was 75.8 with a progesterone of 32.  We’ll see what happens when I go back on Tuesday.

It is strange being pregnant for the sixth time when all the others ended in miscarriages.  First of all, I never thought I’d be that woman who keeps trying and trying.  But ever since the second one, the docs have tried different treatments and given me hope.  Normally I’m so anxious and waiting for the worst.  This time, I just have a feeling that everything will be ok.  It is a deep-down feeling.  And when a little fear creeps in, I tell myself “this is the one”.  I also ordered some meditation CDs regarding pregnancy to help me stay calm, centered and positive.  Only time will tell.


A year later… January 3, 2009

Filed under: Uncategorized — agplatters @ 2:31 pm

I’ve been dreading today for awhile now.  It has been a year since my second loss, the one I haven’t been able to bring myself to write about.  It wasn’t my longest pregnancy, but I guess it was when I still lived in a place of hope and could relate to people in my life.

So here’s the story.  After our first miscarriage, which was around 6 weeks, we were sad and shocked.  There were people that whispered, “I had one too” as they held their babies.  And we thought “wow, at least we know we can get pregnant, so let’s try again right away!”  At the time, trying right away seemed like a good idea and gave me something to focus on and control.  (Ha!  You’d think I’d given up on that control thing a long time ago!)  And trying right again worked.  I went right into another pregnancy without a break.  I felt tired and bloated.  My boobs were huge.  And I thought I had paid my dues and, although I was gripped by anxiety at every trip to the bathroom, I thought this one would work just like all the people I knew.

I had some spotting at 7 weeks.  My clinic got me in right away.  There was a heart beat, although they couldn’t get a read on the rate.  They said the growth was a little behind, but that was normal and they’d see me at 12 weeks.  I didn’t know any better, so I believed them.  Now I’d insist on a follow up ultrasound.

Around 9-10 weeks, I started feeling better.  I wondered if something was wrong, but everyone says you are supposed to start feeling better as you get close to the second tri.  I was never pukey, which was surprising…I’m a puker.  But my biological mom told me she never was with her 4 pregnancies either.  

Then, at 11 weeks, I started bleeding.  Like a period.  It is all kinda a blur now–I was at work, v upset, calling my doc.  They got me in for an u/s right away and there was no heart beat and lots of blood.  Although the u/s tech wouldn’t tell us it was over, I knew it was.  As we walked out of the hospital, I felt something coming out of me with some cramping.  And that was it.  And then I knew this was more than a fluke–there was something else going on with me.  With us.  

The testing started.  I talked to a counselor.  I took over a week off of work.  I had three more miscarriages in 2008.  

Baby, I still miss you.  I miss me too.  I miss having hope.  I miss looking forward to things, making plans.  I miss all the people I care about.  I suppose I’ve pushed them away some, but my family and friends don’t understand or know what to say.  So they don’t say anything.  Or they tell you they are getting a grandmother’s ring for Christmas (my mom) or write only about their grandchildren in their Christmas letter (my parents.)  Or they tell me about their pregnancies (those who don’t know about ours) or they let the grapevine take care of it (those who do know.)  

There are a few exceptions and I’m very grateful for them.  And I’ve met wonderful women who have been there and understand.  What would I do without you?

So here it is, another year later.  I think today I’ll make my favorite chili, get some endorphins going at the gym, take the dog for a nice long walk.  It isn’t the day I was supposed to have, but maybe it will be ok.