We met with the RE today following miscarriage number 5. He said that he thinks it is chromosome related and our options are to keep trying and hope for the best. Hope? What the hell is that?!? Hope left me about three babies ago. That is all he basically had though. Hope.
He put our odds of having a healthy pregnancy at roughly 25%. My husband and I both don’t know if we can keep going through this for odds like that. I’ll be 39 in a few weeks and the odds are typically 1/80 that are healthy babies. He put our odds much lower than that.
Maybe there is hope out there, but I don’t know if it is through conception. Part of me is relieved at the thought of never being pregnant again. Another part thinks, “what if the next one worked?” It is the old quote about would you try again if you knew you would not fail.
I’m feeling even more empty and beat down than I was last week. My sweet, innocent husband said he doesn’t want to watch me go through this pain again and “at least with adoption there isn’t emotional pain.” Riiiight…..no pain related to having your whole life documented and analyzed by strangers. No pain to the pull between waking up each day thinking this is the day and going to bed realizing it wasn’t the day. No pain in watching people who aren’t even pregnant right now having babies while you just wait. No pain in wondering how you are going to come up with tens of thousands of dollars and figuring out all the logistics of where to search for your child, being honest with yourself regarding your limitations as a potential parent, wondering if will really happen. No pain in giving up the images in your head of yourself with a big ol’ belly and sharing the excitement of birth and breastfeeding. And I bet I’m only scratching the surface. I certainly couldn’t understand the pain of miscarriage before it happened.
Maybe it will be good that he doesn’t anticipate those things. He can move us forward while I’m gripped by fear of the unknown and all the things that can go wrong.
I don’t know what our next steps are. I don’t even know how to figure out what our next steps should be. This has to be the hardest part, right? The transition from having a biological child to pursuing other options? I imagine that once we make that decision, we can at least move on with reviewing adoption agencies, starting the process and making some decisions that will be in our control.
I just want a child. Why does that have to be so hard?
Since I can’t get a child RIGHT NOW, all I want immediately is more wine, potato skins and Arrested Development. I can’t help but laugh when I watch Arrested Development. Does anyone deliver wine and potato skins???