Dream you’re mine

The journey from miscarriage to whatever comes next

Info meeting at adoption agency December 31, 2008

Filed under: Uncategorized — agplatters @ 1:23 pm

We attended our first informational meeting at an adoption agency yesterday.  I think we got good information and are starting to formulate a plan, but it was our first mtg, so more to come.

I was shocked at how emotional it was.  Everyone else seemed to be keeping it together well and I probably looked like I was on the outside.  Leading up to the meeting, I had those first pregnancy emotions where you are excited and nervous about not knowing what to expect.  But as I walked into the room and heard someone talking about the process we’ll have to take to get a child, there were many moments that brought tears to my eyes.  I thought of all the babies I’ve lost.  I wondered what pain everyone else had experienced to get to this point.  I wondered why it is as simple as sex for some people, yet others have to go through a seemingly endless number of doctors visits, hpts, emotions and now paperwork and scrutiny.  At one point, they were talking about the difficulty everyone has to go through to get to this point and she mentioned something about infertility.

This agency places many more children internationally than domestically.  We have talked about wanting a child around 2 years old, 3 at the most, and would like a well established program with shorter wait times.  Of the countries they work with, Russia was our obvious choice.  Here are some notes on what they said about other programs as far as why they wouldn’t work for our needs:

Nepal–this is still a pilot program and they haven’t completed the process to get a child placed yet

Ukraine–all children are over 5

Uzbekistan–children are over 3, this is also a pilot and one has been placed so far

Korea–lots of requirements, including 3 years of marriage and health issues.  We’ll be married 2 years in April.

China–it currently is a wait time of 3 years!  Wait time is the amount of time after completing all your paperwork/home study to getting an actual child referred to you.

Thailand–v small program.  I think they talked about lots of requirements there too.

Ethiopia–this was a v impressive program with some nice features (being able to visit the home region with the child, good medical care, receiving a book on the life of the child before adoption).  Most children are infants, which isn’t what we want.

Mexico–children are over 5 and have a past of abuse or neglect.

Guatemala and Vietnam are closed.

As far as Russia goes, it is a long standing program and this agency placed 71 children this year.  They currently have 500k-1 million children living in their orphanages, which are state run and organized by age.  I liked the age.  So infants and toddlers have their own orphanage, rather than being with older kids.  Also, because they are state run, the orphanages are similar from region to region.  The Russian program is pretty flexible on the requirements for adoptive parents and referrals happen pretty quickly.  All children available for adoption internationally are over a year–most are over 15 months.  They said that if you want a boy, you could receive a referral in 2-6 months and 12-18 months for a girl.  Once you get the referral, you travel to Russia for one week to meet the child.  Then it is 2-4 months before a court date is set, so you leave the child (I’m not really sure how I’ll ever be able to do that!) and wait for the court date.  The second trip is about three weeks.  So the only thing I don’t like about the program is the two trips, because it adds extra emotions and costs.

I had already been leaning towards Russia, but hubby was pretty set on it by the time we left as well.  I was surprised at how easily we were able to narrow it down, but it did fall into place once we decided what we wanted and then heard about the programs.  Every agency works with different countries though, so we’ll see what the next mtg brings.

They talked about domestic adoption as well.  Some of the pros with that are you know much more information about the child and pre-natal care.  You can also be involved from the beginning.  But domestic is not for us.  It involves really putting yourself out there and networking to find a potential biological mother.  They said that b-moms typically choose younger, married couples from the books.  Younger was defined as under 40 and I’ll be 39 in a few weeks, so our chances would be slim.  They currently have over 80 couples in the book, yet only placed 21 children this year and three of those were situations where the b-mom changed her mind during the waiting period.  With those kind of odds and having my big toe left in the younger category, it just isn’t an option for us.

I’d like to finalize which agency sometime in Feb and complete the paperwork by June.


Merry Christmas! December 24, 2008

Filed under: Uncategorized — agplatters @ 1:46 pm

I hope everyone has a wonderful Christmas or other holidays you celebrate!  May they be filled with people you love, happy memories and lots of delicious food!

My head keeps spinning, thinking of last Christmas eve.  I cried at church looking around at all the cute babies.  I was pregnant for the second time, about 10 weeks along, and kept thinking that we’d be bringing our baby to church this year.  Four more losses certainly didn’t seem fathomable.  Then my brother and sister-in-law called that night to say they were pregnant and due a week after me.  Man, was I PISSED!  They already had a baby under one and this was supposed to be my chance, especially since I already had one loss.  So now it is Christmas eve again and I don’t have a baby and I have to be around their baby.  

I’m trying to focus on the positive.  Well, I guess it is actually the morbid, since I’m thinking we don’t know how many Christmases we’ll still have with our entire family.  Our parents are getting older and I do have brothers who are a fireman and a soldier.  I’m going to try to make the best of it.

I’ll be thinking of all of you and hoping that 2009 is a much better year!


Houdini dog December 20, 2008

Filed under: Uncategorized — agplatters @ 9:58 pm

We have one of those pull out cabinets with the garbage can in there.  The dog breaks into this routinely, due to meat-tastic scents the hubs has deposited in there (I’m vegetarian.)  Today I watched as she walked over to it, put her paw through the handle and just pulled it towards her.  JUST LIKE A HUMAN.  I thought maybe she had to struggle with it or used her nose to nudge it open, but no.

Then I get a call from an unknown number.  The dog was just wandering around the neighborhood during a snow storm.  My instant reaction is to call husband with “what the hell is your problem???”  This happened a few weeks ago as well where he left the gate open and Tex went on an adventure.  He swears he closed it and heard it click.  Given her previous demonstration, maybe she has figured out that one too.  

What a stinker!

Tex the houdini dog

Tex the houdini dog


End of the road December 17, 2008

Filed under: Uncategorized — agplatters @ 11:46 pm
Tags: ,

We met with the RE today following miscarriage number 5.  He said that he thinks it is chromosome related and our options are to keep trying and hope for the best.  Hope?  What the hell is that?!?  Hope left me about three babies ago.  That is all he basically had though.  Hope.

He put our odds of having a healthy pregnancy at roughly 25%.  My husband and I both don’t know if we can keep going through this for odds like that.  I’ll be 39 in a few weeks and the odds are typically 1/80 that are healthy babies.  He put our odds much lower than that.  

Maybe there is hope out there, but I don’t know if it is through conception.  Part of me is relieved at the thought of never being pregnant again.  Another part thinks, “what if the next one worked?”  It is the old quote about would you try again if you knew you would not fail.

I’m feeling even more empty and beat down than I was last week.  My sweet, innocent husband said he doesn’t want to watch me go through this pain again and “at least with adoption there isn’t emotional pain.”  Riiiight…..no pain related to having your whole life documented and analyzed by strangers.  No pain to the pull between waking up each day thinking this is the day and going to bed realizing it wasn’t the day.   No pain in watching people who aren’t even pregnant right now having babies while you just wait.  No pain in wondering how you are going to come up with tens of thousands of dollars and figuring out all the logistics of where to search for your child, being honest with yourself regarding your limitations as a potential parent, wondering if will really happen.  No pain in giving up the images in your head of yourself with a big ol’ belly and sharing the excitement of birth and breastfeeding.  And I bet I’m only scratching the surface.  I certainly couldn’t understand the pain of miscarriage before it happened.

Maybe it will be good that he doesn’t anticipate those things.  He can move us forward while I’m gripped by fear of the unknown and all the things that can go wrong.

I don’t know what our next steps are.  I don’t even know how to figure out what our next steps should be.  This has to be the hardest part, right?  The transition from having a biological child to pursuing other options?  I imagine that once we make that decision, we can at least move on with reviewing adoption agencies, starting the process and making some decisions that will be in our control.  

I just want a child.  Why does that have to be so hard?

Since I can’t get a child RIGHT NOW, all I want immediately is more wine, potato skins and Arrested Development.  I can’t help but laugh when I watch Arrested Development.  Does anyone deliver wine and potato skins???


Why hello reality…nice to see you again December 16, 2008

Filed under: Uncategorized — agplatters @ 12:16 am

I may be the craziest chick you know.

So yesterday I gagged while eating my lunch, felt dizzy when I went to bed and had one boob that had blue veins all over it.  And what runs through my brain???  “Gee, maybe there were two embryos and one is still in there!”  It was just a little blip and then the rest of my brain gave it the beat down, but seriously…who thinks like that and can still be seen as sane?

I’ve been bleeding at least 5 days with lots of clots and even some cramps and tissue.  My beta that was bad to begin with dropped to 9.5 (aka not pregnant) on Wednesday.  And yet there is a small part of me that obviously does not deal with the realm of reality.

I obviously need more desserts.  I actually had dessert with my breakfast today.  That same part of my brain tells me chocolate is a major food group, I’m 20 lbs lighter, smoking hot and a few years younger too.


Checking in December 14, 2008

Filed under: Uncategorized — agplatters @ 2:51 pm
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Just thought I’d say howdy and thanks for all the support lately!  There have been some tears and mention of never being pregnant again.  Not a real “sit down and talk about what that all means” kinda talk, but it is rattling around in both of our brains.  Although I’ve said for a long time that we’re ok with adoption, it will be another level entirely to actually have that be our only option and start down that road.  Nobody “just” adopts, although I’ve heard “why don’t you just adopt” plenty.

You’ll know we are serious about adoption when I create the spreadsheet.  It will list all the types of adoption and various factors that need to be considered to make sure we are making the right decision.  I love spreadsheets!

When I talked to the nurse on Wednesday, I asked what the next steps were.  At first she said that I’ll probably just do another cycle on femara, but she decided to talk to the doc since this is my fifth loss.  The doc wants to meet with us.  So Wed we go back for another consultation.  I feel that he is going to say that it is all my eggs.  Three have been chemicals/blighted ovums and nothing is going on then except cell division, so that has to be chromosomes.  No way did I have infections all of those times and lining/uterus are perfect so it couldn’t be implantation.  Then with the two missed m/c, one was Turner’s and the other we don’t know.  It all points to chromosomes due to my eggs.  So I’m expecting IVF with PGD or donor eggs.  I don’t want to be that girl, but if I am, it’d be nice if somebody in the medical community was straight up with me rather than using me as a lab rat.  I swear they decide it is egg quality only after they’ve tried everything else and it fails.

On happier news, I did get an early Christmas present last night.  We went to see Dan Wilson, who you may know as the lead singer from Semisonic and Trip Shakespeare.  We made a night of it and went to dinner and to the holidazzle parade last night.  It was a great show.  His first set was him primarily solo (some songs were accompanied by piano) and he did more of his songs from the bands.  Then he brought out a band and did mostly songs from his solo disk, Free Life.  I realized last night how much he mentions dreams in his songs and also that Free Life has been a constant soundtrack through this difficult time.  The CD was released the week of my first miscarriage.  This blog is named after a line in his song Cry, because the song provides comfort and hope to me.  It makes me feel understood when I can’t find the words or the strength to try to explain what this all feels like.  The nursery (that better have a baby in it someday!) is going to be rock n’ roll themed, ’cause we’re just a little different.  And it is being built around this Adam Turman poster (bottom row, blue poster) from an in-store performance.  (Don’t tell the hubby though–he thinks the Grateful Dead poster is the key.)  His music has brought some tears to my eyes, but mostly brought me hope and beauty.  

And, not to discredit his incredible song writing and beautiful, sensitive voice, but the man has a hip sway that is pretty damn fantastic.


Not an ectopic December 11, 2008

Filed under: Uncategorized — agplatters @ 1:07 pm

My levels were down to 9.5 yesterday and it looks like AF is starting.  Not sure what next steps are, but I’m such a TTC robot that I’ve already calculated when I’ll be likely to ovulate and when I could take another HPT.  That has to be a sign of mental illness, right???

“The Other Boelyn Girl” came in the mail yesterday, so I popped that in last night.  God, I must be a moron!  I had NO IDEA that it was all basically about women with failed pregnancies being traded in for newer, better versions to produce a male.  I thought it was just a dramatic period piece where two women love the same man.

I didn’t cry though.  It did make me think about how important giving birth has been in the past, not just for legal heirs, but for survival.  Imagine the pressure.  Of course, they started much younger and much more fertile.  We are probably the first generation of women facing this on such a large scale…we’ve been educated, gotten married later, been on the pill forever….all these societal changes have had unforeseen effects.  

And then I think about the eggs and that they’ve been in me for a long time now.  But then really my eggs hold the material for the eggs of any daughter.  My biological mother went through menopause by 40 and had all sorts of problems getting pregnant in her mid to late 30s.  She told me about it years ago, before it was important to me, but she said they went through all sorts of things to try to get pregnant.  Here I am, with a twist on the same lousy eggs.  

And as I stuffed a milky way in my face yesterday, I realized I feel empty.  Not sad.  Just empty.  The milky way didn’t help, but I’ll probably try again today.


20 to 20.9 December 9, 2008

Filed under: Uncategorized — agplatters @ 3:21 pm

Not exactly doubling over those four days.  Losing this one is ok–it never really felt that real and it is so early.  But what doesn’t feel so hot is thinking about Christmas around my family and their babies.  Thinking it has to be my eggs, but to get confirmation of that is too expensive and then we wouldn’t be able to adopt.  Wondering if anyone in their right mind would keep trying again after five losses.  Frustration and confusion are the overarching themes.  I don’t know how to come up with the right answer on our next steps.  March has been our deadline for awhile and it is very ingrained into my psyche at this point.  Anything else feels like giving up.  Plus we’d use any money from our tax return and bonus to get the adoption ball rolling, since I’d like to leave our emergency savings in tact.  

So they want me to retest tomorrow.  Apparently when the levels stay flat like this, there is a chance it is in my tube.  At least I get to stop that nasty endometrin.

Thank you so much for all of you checking in and providing support.  You give me strength that I cannot even explain.


No update!!!!

Filed under: Uncategorized — agplatters @ 12:14 am

Except that my clinic sucks arse.  They didn’t call back for nine hours, when most people are driving home from work and it just happens to be icy, snowy and bad traffic.  So I look at my phone as I’m merging onto a bridge and think this is not a good time to answer that.  Nurse Ratchett leaves a message saying “I have your results.  Call us back tomorrow.”

That bitch. I am absolutely LIVID.  I want to cry and scream and smash my phone into tiny little pieces.  My cell phone message says “Hi, this is Nancy” and she started her message with “Nancy…”  So don’t try to hide behind HIPAA and confidentiality.  No indication of whether it was good or bad…nothing.  And I can’t get ahold of the on call nurse because all the phone does is beep at me.  Am I supposed to leave a message?  Punch in my number?  Does it just know to call me back now?  Nice system for emergencies.  This is an emergency.  I’m not going to sleep tonight because of this.


Big temp dip December 8, 2008

Filed under: Uncategorized — agplatters @ 10:54 am
Tags: ,

So this morning my temp took a nose dive.  It was 97.80 at 4:30, which was adjusted to 98.00.  I find that normally the adjustments are higher than they should be.  The beta is in a few hours and then I’ll probably have to wait all day for results, but this isn’t looking good.  It’s fine though.  Frustrating, but fine.  I’d much rather have an early loss like this than months later.

updated chart