October 15th is pregnancy and infant loss awareness day. Last year at this time, I didn’t know the heartache and confusion that comes from losing a baby and didn’t know the day existed. How things change in a year. I was on top of the world last year on Oct 15th–pregnant with my first baby and so thrilled. I had some spotting, but the nurses told me not to worry. On Oct 16th, as it turned into more of a period, my heart was torn apart.
Little did I know what the following year would bring. We tried to see the silver lining by saying “at least we know we can get pregnant!” Friends came out of the woodwork, holding their babies, and saying “I had one too.” God, we were so naive last year. Now I just feel old. Somber. Broken. But what amazes me, is there is still hope.
With each miscarriage, friends start “disappearing.” I know I’ve changed over this year and haven’t put much effort into my friendships. I’m just exhausted and what do I say? I struggle to find the words to help someone understand what I’m going through and to not talk about it seems so superficial. People who haven’t been through it don’t know what to say either. It is an isolating experience. I don’t know what I would have done without my few friends who know the pain of repeated miscarriages and all the women I’ve met online. You are all so strong and inspiring. I pray that you all find peace and are able to build your beautiful family soon.
There is one woman in particular who has been on my mind a lot lately. I remember her from her first miscarriage and was so happy to see she was pregnant again. She found out during the pregnancy that her son had medical problems that were most likely not compatible with life. She has shared her journey and I can’t even describe the amount of grace, faith and dignity she has displayed. My heart just breaks for her. So on a day of remembrance, where things seem so futile, one thing we can all do is donate to a memorial playground for her son. More info is here, a few posts down: http://sgirl79.blogspot.com/
We all bring our own memories to this day. Our own tears and heavy hearts. I hope and pray the next year is very different for you.