Dream you’re mine

The journey from miscarriage to whatever comes next

The whirlwind begins October 9, 2008

My period started today, 33 days after my d&c.  Usually I’m around 29 days, so it was a little late, but not much.  It isn’t like there is ever an instant where I can forget about my babies, but seeing blood brings up too much.  Whether it was hoping to be pregnant or wanting to stay pregnant, I haven’t wanted to see it for 17 months now.  The irony is I’ll probably be longing for these days once menopause hits.  It is complicated being a woman, isn’t it?

So now that I’m 38 and gradually advanced from temping to checking my cervix regularly, the diva cup doesn’t seem so bad.  So I got one a few months back.  For those who don’t know anything about it, it is a cup you insert instead of tampons.  There is no fancy applicator.  It’s a bit messier to get into and out of place.  But I gotta say, BRAVO.  I go all day at work without having to deal.  I’ve gone bike riding with it.  It is pretty darn awesome.  And now that I’m dealing with that emotional first period after a miscarriage, it is nice to only have to see blood a few times a day rather than every few hours.

At least there is some good news with my period.  This means it is time for poking and prodding galore!  So now I go in for another day 3 FSH/estaditrol (I cannot remember the spelling for the life of me) on Friday, a sonohistogram and f/u thyroid test next Thurs and THE BIG WRAP UP on the 24th.  I’m still not feeling particularly confident that all these tests will give us an answer that will lead to having a baby.  At this point, I’d rather someone says it’s not happening for us than to keep trying and failing.  I don’t know that I can go through another miscarriage.

I was googling karotypes for mosaicism last night and found an interesting article for medical practitioners on how to treat women with multiple miscarriages.  It talked about the typical tests, but also focused on the emotional aspects.  One comment struck me.  It was along the lines of “the more attached the woman felt to the baby, the more difficult the loss will be.”  It was like a veil was lifted from my eyes.  That is why I still consider the second loss the big one.  I was nervous, but I believed I was in the majority of women with miscarriages.  One seemed like a really shitty right of passage.  But the second one going to 11 weeks, with my boobs getting bigger, an u/s with a heartbeat and all, that was a keeper.  It was heart breaking.  Since then, I’ve had my guard up with the other two.  Maybe it was a defense mechanism of preparing myself for the worst, but a part of me never thought they were going to make it.  That isn’t to say that the 3rd and 4th losses weren’t dreadfully sad…it just wasn’t that gut wrenching, heart shattered into a million pieces kind of sad.  And I think it is because I didn’t feel as strong of a connection.  I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop.

So here I am waiting yet again.  But it isn’t necessarily the tests I’m waiting on or the diagnosis or treatment plan.  I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop.

It is remarkable how much I’ve changed in the last year.  Unfortunately, I can’t think of a way I’ve changed for the better.  But I have a very dear friend who is just starting down the path of trying to conceive after years of endometriosis.  She has had such challenges just to get to this point!  So as she was starting, she didn’t want to temp and chart and use opks….she didn’t want to be in this lousy club.  Nobody does, but I tried to encourage her by telling her how fascinating it is to learn that about your body and that it will provide insight.  Now she just had her third month of no pregnancy and her OB is already talking about sending her to an RE next month if she’s not pregnant.  Wow–an RE 4 months in?!?!  She is so darn lucky!  But that is from my perspective and next week will be a year since my first loss.  I’ve had a long time to work through the emotions of “failing” at sustaining a pregnancy.  She’s just at the beginning of that process.  I try to just listen and provide my opinion or experience only when asked and she can’t possibly be where I’m at, but I want to shout from the rooftops what good news it is that her doc is being so proactive and she’s that much closer to getting her baby.  It is such a long, solitary path we all take.


One Response to “The whirlwind begins”

  1. Lisa Says:

    I saw your post on the nest and I followed the link to your blog. thanks for sharing that information – I have lost two early pregnancies and the first was the hardest for me. I feel really guilty for not connecting to the second pregnancy like I did for the first. I also learned after my first not to give my opinion unless asked – I feel like that experience has made me a better friend.

    BTW, how did you get a hyperlink to your blog on your signature on the nest?

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