I’m in woe is me mode. I was up for hours last night, so I’m tired. My hubby may have a friend staying here this weekend, so I’m trying to clean the house. I just feel a bit maxed out. But the kick in the teeth has to do with our old house. It has been on the market a couple of weeks now and it is slow. Slow time of year, nobody can get loans, on a busy street, 3 doors from convenience store. So we know it is going to take awhile to sell and that is fine. But today my worst fears hit…the house next door has a sign up again. The house those f-ing manipulative a-holes “bought”. Here’s the history. They moved in May of ’07. This was after living in another house for three months or so. And they had done it before then too. They moved out by Oct ’07 and put it on the market. I told my hubby then they would foreclose and it was all a scam, which it was. Basically what I can tell is they bought properties, took out home equity loans, used that to buy new cars and i-phones the day they came out (even though one of them was always losing a job) and never paid a f-ing penny towards the mortgage. They just walk away. Conveniently she also worked in the mortgage industry. It went to auction 11 months after they “bought” it–AUCTION! How long do you not pay your mortgage before your house goes to auction?!? Ummm….like the whole time they lived there? So this is what they did at property after property and now our economy is screwed and it is going to be even harder for us to sell our house with a foreclosure next door. We’ve done everything right! We pay our mortgage and all of our bills on time. We don’t buy shit we can’t afford. We drive one 8 year old Corolla that needs a trip to the shop. So first we bail out one couple who used their equity as a get rich quick in the realty market scheme, which made them lose their house. Now we can’t sell our house because of those jackasses next door who knowingly took advantage of bad lending practices. I’m just so friggin’ tired of it all. We’ve saved up money to cover both homes for the last 2.5 years, even though we can actually swing it without savings if we live simply. We planned and sacrificed and watched people do whatever the hell they wanted without any consequences. And after so many losses, things were finally supposed to turn around with getting our new house and being pregnant….we had paid our karma dues, learned our lessons and this was going to be it. Instead, there is no baby, we are strapped with that house I always hated and I’m tired of giving myself the “things will get better” pep talk. I admit, a baby and a slightly bigger house are wants, not needs. But these aren’t extravagant wants. Millions of people do it all the time. And the worst part of it all is now I’m thinking that even if we move to adopting in March, that will be put on permanent hold until we can get rid of that stupid house. Oh universe, why can’t you cut us a break?!?
How do I wrap my brain around all of this?? October 25, 2008
So we got test results yesterday from the RE. We definitely have answers, which is freeing. There are reasons for my miscarriages and it isn’t anything I did.
So the two good things were everything is good anatomically and chromosomally. They had done a basic karotype on both of us in Feb that was fine, but after the last loss to Turner’s, they decided to do a more advanced one looking at mosaicism. That was good news indeed.
Everything else is bad.
Hormones: my FSH is elevated, but just barely at a 10.5. It just means we don’t have time to mess around. He said other tests for egg quality are not reliable once your FSH is above a 10. And my testosterone is elevated. Lovely. He said he wasn’t worried about that, but let him know if I start having excessive hair growth. (Aren’t gray hairs and wrinkles enough to handle???) My thyroid level has dropped from 5.2 to 3.4 and he wants it to go lower.
Blood clotting: I tested positive for a mutation of MTHFR. They took more blood from me and I’m wishing they could install a valve in my arm right about now. This will test homocystine. If that is high, I’ll have to do heparin shots. And if you believe everything you read on the internet, I have an increased chance of blood clots, heart disease and strokes.
Antigens: There is something going on with my adrenal gland. I don’t remember the details except he wants me on metformin, which apparently makes you farty. This is known as the farty pill in our household.
So on a daily basis, I will be taking the farty pill (probably with a side of gas-x), thyroid med, prenatal, omega 3, alpha lipoic acid, co q10 and folgard. The last three are doctors orders. ALA and co q10 may help with the process of the chromosomes all merging together. Folgard is a high dose of folic acid and B vitamins and he wants me on that due to the blood clotting disorder. So I’m ok with taking stuff, particularly the supplements.
Then for the next month, he wants me to start fertility meds to ensure I ovulate and be monitored so they can inject me with more stuff (hcg and progesterone.) It would be a medicated cycle with femara step up protocol. And possibly I’ll have to do heparin shots. It seems like there will be days where I’m taking multiple meds, supplements and injections. And I just wonder if it is worth it for us. Everyone has to figure out where they draw the line and I think we are getting close to ours. Because then I add in all the scary stats about chromosome problems when the mother is 39. So am I going to go through all of this medical intervention to do what my body can’t do on my own and end up with another loss or a baby with significant defects? Why in the world am I doing this? (I can see why others do based on different motivations, so don’t feel like I’m questioning anyone else’s decisions.)
Here’s where he laid my odds of just getting pregnant:
medicated cycle 1-3%
Now I do disagree with the stats on the medicated cycle. We got pregnant on the 5th month of charting. That is when I realized that we get pregnant when we time it the day before ovulation. No other timing works for us. Since then, I’ve gotten pregnant every single time we have that timing and not gotten pregnant with any other pattern. So to drop my odds down to 3% max when we are being monitored and will have an even better idea of when I’m ovulating just doesn’t seem right. Yes, I’m almost 39 and my ovaries are headed for retirement. I’m probably not going to be as successful as I have been in getting pregnant. But it worked twice this year.
This appt did make me realize we will not be doing IVF. My body just seems to have too many things going on and I can accept that we adopt. The pregnancy path has lead to nothing but disappointment and heartache. There are babies out there just waiting to be loved and the thought of adoption seems daunting, but more hopeful right now. We’ll probably try this medicated cycle, but we won’t be doing much more than that.
Note to Amy Poehler and Will Arnett October 19, 2008
I can’t decide if I want to be you, Amy, or be your child. You were too friggin’ cute on SNL last night with your belly knocking over beers and your dance moves and your rapping. Amy, you look fantastic! But then to have GOB as my dad?!? Come on! With your magic tricks (excuse me, illusions), financial skills, segway, CHICKEN DANCE!!! Oh. My. God. If you would like to add to your family, count me in. My ring tone is, in fact, GOB doing the chicken dance.
Update to BBF (bye bye fat) October 18, 2008
I’m happy to report that I’ve lost two pounds this week. Woo hoo! I made it to the gym and tried to focus on eating fruits and veggies. It would have been more if I didn’t have multiple beers and glasses of wine, but that is where I draw the line.
It was also the last week of our CSA and they sent a recipe for chocolate beet cake. Since I do have a major sweet tooth, why not throw some veggies into the mix? I actually can’t even tell the beets are in there and it makes me giggle as I think of Dwight Schrute and his beet farm. So here’s the recipe:
1 c sugar
1 c flour
1/4 t salt
1 t baking powder
1/2 t baking soda
2 oz unsweetened chocolate
2 T oil
1.5 c shredded beets
Preheat to 325. Grease 9″ square cake pan. Sift dry ingredients together. Melt chocolate and let cool. Blend in eggs and oil thoroughly. Combine dry ingredients with chocolate mixture, alternating with beets. Throw it in the pan and bake 30-40 mins. Cover with powdered sugar, berries, whipped cream or chocolate frosting.
I chose the chocolate frosting. Ok, so I did cheat a bit this week!
Updated medical results October 16, 2008
Sperm analysis=good. Slight abnormalities, but below range of concern.
FSH=bad. Elevated. Low ovarian reserves.
My FSH was fine when it was tested last spring, so I asked if it could reduce that quickly. He said once you have one elevated result, it indicates low ovarian reserves and said I’m at the level of a 40-41 year old (I’ll be 39 in Jan.)
We go next Fri for the wrap up of all the test results and to discuss pros and cons of all options. I want an answer and options. I really do. But this threw me for a little loop since the test less than six months ago was fine.
Man, I feel so old.
A day of remembrance October 15, 2008
October 15th is pregnancy and infant loss awareness day. Last year at this time, I didn’t know the heartache and confusion that comes from losing a baby and didn’t know the day existed. How things change in a year. I was on top of the world last year on Oct 15th–pregnant with my first baby and so thrilled. I had some spotting, but the nurses told me not to worry. On Oct 16th, as it turned into more of a period, my heart was torn apart.
Little did I know what the following year would bring. We tried to see the silver lining by saying “at least we know we can get pregnant!” Friends came out of the woodwork, holding their babies, and saying “I had one too.” God, we were so naive last year. Now I just feel old. Somber. Broken. But what amazes me, is there is still hope.
With each miscarriage, friends start “disappearing.” I know I’ve changed over this year and haven’t put much effort into my friendships. I’m just exhausted and what do I say? I struggle to find the words to help someone understand what I’m going through and to not talk about it seems so superficial. People who haven’t been through it don’t know what to say either. It is an isolating experience. I don’t know what I would have done without my few friends who know the pain of repeated miscarriages and all the women I’ve met online. You are all so strong and inspiring. I pray that you all find peace and are able to build your beautiful family soon.
There is one woman in particular who has been on my mind a lot lately. I remember her from her first miscarriage and was so happy to see she was pregnant again. She found out during the pregnancy that her son had medical problems that were most likely not compatible with life. She has shared her journey and I can’t even describe the amount of grace, faith and dignity she has displayed. My heart just breaks for her. So on a day of remembrance, where things seem so futile, one thing we can all do is donate to a memorial playground for her son. More info is here, a few posts down: http://sgirl79.blogspot.com/
We all bring our own memories to this day. Our own tears and heavy hearts. I hope and pray the next year is very different for you.
Crossroads October 14, 2008
I had this dream last night. I was on a journey somewhere and passed babies along the way. And I came to a fork in the road. The signs didn’t say “adoption” or “pregnancy”, but that is what they felt like. I don’t know which one I chose. I wish I did. But it is comforting and exciting that my brain is trying to process our next steps under the radar. I feel a sense of peace about either one right now. They are both scary to me, for different reasons, but I feel peaceful about taking a step down either one of those paths.
Wow. I just checked my work email and there is one from a former co-worker saying he and his partner have an adoption match. The baby is to be delivered November 20. I am thrilled for them, but also (in selfish mode) very encouraged by this.
Bye bye fat October 11, 2008
You’ve been around long enough. I was happy (mostly) to welcome you for the babies, but most of you arrived after the babies left. Enough of your free ride around the greatest sites and sounds of Minneapolis. You’ll have to find a home somewhere else, you big, dumb fat globs. Because today I am finally getting back to the gym. The old house is on the market and priority number one is holding on to that small sliver of sanity I have left, but kickin’ you to the curb is a very close second.
So today I am 153. Heaviest I’ve ever been. Before starting this journey to get pregnant and stay pregnant 17 months ago, I was in the low 130s. Twenty pounds isn’t good on a 5’2″ gal who has curves naturally. My goal is to get and stay in the 140s in October and the rest will kinda depend on the treatment plan. If we have a couple of months before trying again and don’t have to hit the fertility meds, I’d love to be back in the 130s by the time I get pregnant again. God, would I love that.
Rode bike about 10 miles back and forth to the gym, due to losing membership card on the way and making the trip twice. Then did interval setting on elliptical for 442 calories. Woo hoo!
Happy first date-iversary to us! October 10, 2008
Four years ago, I finished a 6 hour drive back from my hometown and was famished. No food in the house. What’s a single gal to do? Go call the neighbor guy who has a crush on her to see if he wants to grab dinner, of course! (Ok, I called at least 6 friends first who weren’t home or interested…..)
And that is how it all began. Here we are four years later, many pounds heavier, with hearts that have been through the wringer. Or is it ringer? I really don’t know what a w/ringer is or what that means. But anyway, we are going to celebrate by grabbing dinner at that same neighborhood bar where it all began. I’ll probably kiss him this time though.
I don’t have enough happy posts.
The whirlwind begins October 9, 2008
My period started today, 33 days after my d&c. Usually I’m around 29 days, so it was a little late, but not much. It isn’t like there is ever an instant where I can forget about my babies, but seeing blood brings up too much. Whether it was hoping to be pregnant or wanting to stay pregnant, I haven’t wanted to see it for 17 months now. The irony is I’ll probably be longing for these days once menopause hits. It is complicated being a woman, isn’t it?
So now that I’m 38 and gradually advanced from temping to checking my cervix regularly, the diva cup doesn’t seem so bad. So I got one a few months back. For those who don’t know anything about it, it is a cup you insert instead of tampons. There is no fancy applicator. It’s a bit messier to get into and out of place. But I gotta say, BRAVO. I go all day at work without having to deal. I’ve gone bike riding with it. It is pretty darn awesome. And now that I’m dealing with that emotional first period after a miscarriage, it is nice to only have to see blood a few times a day rather than every few hours.
At least there is some good news with my period. This means it is time for poking and prodding galore! So now I go in for another day 3 FSH/estaditrol (I cannot remember the spelling for the life of me) on Friday, a sonohistogram and f/u thyroid test next Thurs and THE BIG WRAP UP on the 24th. I’m still not feeling particularly confident that all these tests will give us an answer that will lead to having a baby. At this point, I’d rather someone says it’s not happening for us than to keep trying and failing. I don’t know that I can go through another miscarriage.
I was googling karotypes for mosaicism last night and found an interesting article for medical practitioners on how to treat women with multiple miscarriages. It talked about the typical tests, but also focused on the emotional aspects. One comment struck me. It was along the lines of “the more attached the woman felt to the baby, the more difficult the loss will be.” It was like a veil was lifted from my eyes. That is why I still consider the second loss the big one. I was nervous, but I believed I was in the majority of women with miscarriages. One seemed like a really shitty right of passage. But the second one going to 11 weeks, with my boobs getting bigger, an u/s with a heartbeat and all, that was a keeper. It was heart breaking. Since then, I’ve had my guard up with the other two. Maybe it was a defense mechanism of preparing myself for the worst, but a part of me never thought they were going to make it. That isn’t to say that the 3rd and 4th losses weren’t dreadfully sad…it just wasn’t that gut wrenching, heart shattered into a million pieces kind of sad. And I think it is because I didn’t feel as strong of a connection. I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop.
So here I am waiting yet again. But it isn’t necessarily the tests I’m waiting on or the diagnosis or treatment plan. I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop.
It is remarkable how much I’ve changed in the last year. Unfortunately, I can’t think of a way I’ve changed for the better. But I have a very dear friend who is just starting down the path of trying to conceive after years of endometriosis. She has had such challenges just to get to this point! So as she was starting, she didn’t want to temp and chart and use opks….she didn’t want to be in this lousy club. Nobody does, but I tried to encourage her by telling her how fascinating it is to learn that about your body and that it will provide insight. Now she just had her third month of no pregnancy and her OB is already talking about sending her to an RE next month if she’s not pregnant. Wow–an RE 4 months in?!?! She is so darn lucky! But that is from my perspective and next week will be a year since my first loss. I’ve had a long time to work through the emotions of “failing” at sustaining a pregnancy. She’s just at the beginning of that process. I try to just listen and provide my opinion or experience only when asked and she can’t possibly be where I’m at, but I want to shout from the rooftops what good news it is that her doc is being so proactive and she’s that much closer to getting her baby. It is such a long, solitary path we all take.