Dream you’re mine

The journey from miscarriage to whatever comes next

A baby girl September 19, 2008

Filed under: Uncategorized — agplatters @ 3:03 am
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We got the results from the karotype from the d&c today.  She was a girl.  I already knew that.  I felt it.  My brain told me we should have a boy for all the logical reasons (only males being born in my husband’s family), but one night I had my hand on my belly while reading a book and I got this overwhelming feeling.  It was like this huge rush went through me.  And something said to me “it’s a girl.”  I told my hubby then that I just knew.  Even today he considers it a guess, but it was bigger than that.

We also found out she had Turner’s syndrome, so I’ve been searching the web for info.  It is when the set of x chromosomes is not complete and it causes physical problems to varying degrees.  What is confusing is that babies can be born with it, so was there something else going on that caused our baby to die?  The nurse said there was nothing else on the report.  So there is lots of info on the web, but there was one site about people born with it that was helpful–turnerssyndrome.org I believe.  Apparently 1 in 2500 girls is born with it.  But (supposedly) 98% of pregnancies with this end in miscarriage.

Those are the facts I’ve found out.  But as always with miscarriage, it is the emotional side that is the hardest part.  So here is what is tough–I wasn’t expecting it to be so difficult to know what went wrong and that she was absolutely a girl.  It makes it so much more real and therefore raw.  She was my daughter.  She would have had her daddy wrapped around her finger.  She was supposed to wear pink frilly things, get cooties, giggle, have crushes on boy bands…or girl bands….whatever.  I don’t care.  But she was supposed to BE.  

But the positive things are that we know, without a doubt, that there was nothing we could have done to prevent this from happening.  I think when you have miscarriages, you tell yourself to believe it wasn’t you, but there is a part of you that still feels guilty.  It doesn’t make it hurt less to lose your baby.  It does make it easier on you to have that sense of relief.  And I wonder how we would have dealt with a child with potentially severe disorders? It sounds like it is definitely something where a woman can live a full, happy life, but may have some difficulties.  But there was the potential to have more severe problems as well.  

How would we be as parents to a child with serious problems?  Is it somehow a blessing that we’ve lost our babies, but they would have been severely handicapped in some way if they had been born?  I can’t shake the feeling that all four losses have been due to chromosomes.  Two were very early when the initial development is occurring, so I have to believe that was the cause.  Now we know this one was as well.  The stats get worse and worse as “advanced maternal age” creeps up.  Maybe we’ve missed our opportunity to have a good, healthy sperm meet a good, healthy egg.  I’d rather have someone tell me that than “keep trying and one of these times it will work.”  No more sunshine up my butt, please.  Give it too me straight.  After this past year, I’m pretty sure we can handle just about anything.

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