I spent the weekend painting the kitchen a happy, bright goldish-orange called Saffron Thread from Sherwin Williams. It was such a juxtaposition to be engulfed in this warm, cheerful room while tears are streaming down my face and I’m wishing I had died so I could hold my babies. I should paint the whole house in something that says “bitter.”
About 48 hours after the D&C, I started having some cramping. A few hours later, I was shivering and just couldn’t get warm. My hubby said I was super pale too. I finally started bleeding and the cramping stopped. I was finally able to sleep last night too. Now that is all I want to do.
All my friends suck ass. I finally heard from one of them this morning with an email to work. Yeah, because I want to hear how sorry you are while I’m trying to keep it together and function. Maybe they don’t know what to say. Maybe it is because my husband tells everyone I don’t want to talk about it, but they can still say sorry. Maybe they think I deserve it since I keep getting pregnant (based on medical advice!)
I should make a correction. I have a couple of friends who have had miscarriages before and they have been supportive. They just don’t live here. And I’ve had wonderful support from my online friends who have experienced this. I don’t know what I’d do without all of them.
In an attempt to feel like I am doing something proactive, I’m going to call a couple of reproductive endocrinologists today to set up consultations. Part of me doesn’t want to ever be pregnant again. But the night before I found out I was pregnant this last time, I promised myself I’d try until March. That would be the last time I could get pregnant and deliver before 40. So with the wait and additional tests, I figure we have one more shot at a viable pregnancy. Maybe two if I have another chemical pregnancy. I want to make that shot the best it possibly can be. Maybe IVF with PGD (genetic testing on the embryo) would give us the best chance?