Dream you’re mine

The journey from miscarriage to whatever comes next

Four pregnancies and four miscarriages September 6, 2008

At 12w3d pregnant, we went to a morning appointment for the NT scan.  I was nervous.  I had been unsettled and not confident about this pregnancy for 2-3 weeks.  Maybe that was just normal given all the previous losses, but I’d like to believe that my body was preparing my brain for what was to come.

She started the ultrasound, zeroed in on the baby and didn’t say anything right away.  The words “where is the heart beat?” kept rolling through my brain like a scrolling marquee, but before I could voice them, she said “I’m so sorry.”  The baby was measuring at 8w4d and had no heart beat.  Again, another loss at the end of the first tri where I’m carrying a baby inside for weeks after it has died.  It definitely hurt and there have been many tears shed, but the crazy thing about each miscarriage is you feel more and more prepared for the worst and the pain isn’t magnified by the shock.  I would have been more surprised if they had said “look at your healthy baby measuring right on time!”

So I didn’t feel very hopeful that day.  First of all, the doc at the NT scan told us that even after 4 losses, you have more than a 50% chance of having a healthy baby.  That wasn’t reassuring.  Then in the afternoon, we had the 12 week appointment with my clinic.  I met with a different doc than I normally do.  She was wonderfully compassionate and took action to schedule a D&C so testing could be done on the baby.  But she did say that we’ve already had all the testing and there really isn’t more that can be done beyond testing the baby.  Our answer seemed to be to just keep trying and hoping for the best.  After 34 weeks of pregnancy in the last year, all in the first tri and all ending in the loss of our babies, I’m not sure I can do that.

So the D&C was yesterday.  I was anxious about it and even wondered if there was a chance I wouldn’t make it.  It certainly feels like I’m already dead on the inside.  My regular doctor walked in like a woman at the starting line of a race right after the gun goes off.  She was ready for action.  She confirmed that we’d be testing the baby, but also said she wants to try additional tests that “the experts don’t think are helpful, but it might tell us something.”  So 3 vials of blood were taken yesterday and we’ll be doing more in 6 weeks.  When I brought up seeing an RE and the testing they can do on embryos, she supported us 100%.  She said if we want to see 5 other doctors, that is fine and the more brains working on this, the better.  She also said there is more detailed chromosomal testing that can be done on me and my husband, but she hasn’t looked into it in 5 years and at that time it wasn’t very helpful.  So she’s going to see the new research on that to see if that would help.  I feel better that she isn’t just accepting that it is bad luck.  She also feels there has to be something occurring and it is just a matter of uncovering what it is.  I have the feeling she likes puzzles.

So the D&C itself was not bad.  I react strongly to medication and puke when coming out of anesthesia.  So they gave me 1/2 to 1/4 of what they normally administer.  On the one hand, that means I was a little more conscious for the procedure and remembered what happened.  Honestly, it wasn’t bad and it was super fast.  On the other hand, I feel my recovery has gone much quicker than it would have.  I was feeling like myself within 8 hours of the procedure.  I’m now getting close to 24 hours later and I’ve had no cramping (although the only time I ever have had cramping is when I’ve had a natural miscarriage) and very little bleeding.  I bought all these giant pads, but will probably only need liners.

I’m still a bit torn on if it is better to have a natural miscarriage or D&C.  Once I knew the baby had died, there was no question what I was going to do.  I did not want to wait for the inevitable.  Physically the D&C was not bad at all.  But I did feel guilty before the procedure–it was my baby after all and, if this is the only way I can ever hold him or her, I should hold on as long as possible.  I had to remind myself that the baby was already gone.  The other thing that is a little strange is that it doesn’t feel as final.  With a natural miscarriage, you know the baby is gone.  You feel it and you see it.  You go through various physical stages, which I think might help progress the emotional stages.  With the D&C, I don’t feel any differently now than I did a couple of days ago still pregnant.  It is a more “pleasant” experience (but still super sucky), but maybe the full reality hasn’t hit yet?

There is more to say about the grieving process and the reactions of other people, but I think that is all for now.

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10 Responses to “Four pregnancies and four miscarriages”

  1. Lisa Says:

    Oh Nancy, I am so sorry. As you can tell, I have been reading your blog from the beginning and I cannot believe all that you have been through. Thank you for sharing your life – your courage is inspiring.

  2. Renu Says:

    Oh Nancy, I am extremely sorry. I am also undergoing the same. I had 3 miscarriages so far. The last one was on Oct 3 at 12 weeks. Same kind of feeling believe me. It is really sick but fate. I got results from my doc regarding the embryo. She has it is Turner’s syndrome. She wants to do some more blood test on me to find out. She says most of the miscarriage is cuased by turner’s syndrome. I hope everything goes well for u. Don’t worry have faith in God.

  3. Michelle Says:

    Hi Nancy, I am really sorry for your losses! I too am experiencing my fourth miscarriage, I have a D&C scheduled this friday. I’m reading about your experience and I feel as if it’s my story, it’s kind of erie (sp?), but sadly comforting… and I hope that doesn’t sound insensitive! We are also going to see an RE and hope that thay can offer some insight… because finding out this last time was less of a shock to me too and I kind of hate feeling that way…obviously it’s just our way of coping. I thank you so much for sharing your experiences, while I wish the story was different, it really did help me knowing that there are other determined woman out there… because after 4 (or whatever number) we have to be something special to still have hope and press on!!! Much luck and love to us all.

  4. Aresag Says:

    Well I bumped into this site after aimlessly searching on the internet for support after learning last evening that I had my fourth miscarrraige. This is devastating to me since I am 40 and thought that this would have been my last try. I am really interested in seeing more posts from you. I felt as if I could have written these posts since I am feeling the exact emotions as you described. When the doctor did not see a heartbeat last evening I had already expected the news since I “felt” the baby die two nights ago. I would have been surprised if he had said the baby was healthy. That’s so sad. I thought that I MUST be the only one out there experiencing this.

  5. Ash Says:

    Nancy,

    May God give the strength to endure what you went through. It looks like the same story that we went through with 3 m/c. We are planning to start a family. My wife ended up having 3 miscarriages in a row. All this happened in a span of 1.5 years. The first pregnancy lasted for 10 weeks , Fetal Heart rate was normal prior to the miscarriage day. The second pregnancy lasted for 6 weeks before ending up in a miscarraige. The third pregnancy lasted for 9 weeks (fetal heart rate was normal) before ending up in a miscarriage. My wife has thyroid problems but was under medication during all the pregnancies. Her blood type is Rh negative.

    First pregnancy – 10 weeks/ May 2007
    Second pregnancy – 6 weeks/July 2008
    Third pregnancy – 9 weeks/Nov2008
    My wife’s age: 27yrs

    We are completely devastated and still recuperating from our loss. What kind of tests we should undergo before trying for the next one or should we even try for next one? I dont want my wife to go through this one more time. If anyone has similar success stories please share and help us out.

  6. agplatters Says:

    Aresag,
    I am so deeply sorry you are going through another loss. I felt incredibly isolated after the fourth, especially since everyone thought the appropriate response was to “give me space” and not contact me for weeks or months afterwards. You aren’t alone though. If you ever need to talk to someone who understands what you are going through, let me know.

    I’ll be thinking of you and wishing you lots of peace.
    Nancy

  7. agplatters Says:

    Ash,
    I’m so sorry you and your wife are going through this. What a wonderful husband to be looking for some kind of answers! I posted about my first appt with an RE (reproductive endocrinologist) on Sept 26. I included what our doc said are the causes of miscarriages and the approach to testing. Then there are posts from then through Oct that mention some of the results. Maybe that will help, although I can’t really say I’m a success yet.

    I would recommend going to an RE if you haven’t already. He has found things my OB didn’t and it is so much easier mentally to not be surrounded by pregnant bellies at every appointment.

    Best of luck to you and your wife.
    Nancy

  8. Yana Says:

    I have felt so selfish after reading all of your posts. I have several children all conceived and birthed with little trouble comparatively.
    But now, I’ve miscarried for the fourth time ,11-29-08, in three years. The third miscarried baby was a missed miscarriage and I had to have a D&C 6-08 @ 10 weeks. I was very naive and had it done without anesthesia. It was horribly painful and incomplete. I bled for almost 3 months and a huge clot pass before it resolved. I am praying it will not be like that this time.
    I am still bleeding from this miscarriage. I have felt so alone also. My husband doesn’t feel as attached to this baby. He has acted as if it were nothing but a normal period. We were both devastated by the third one because we did see the heart beat. Apparently, it died the day after the ultrasound. I think he doesn’t want to acknowledge the pain. I don’t know how to handle this one. We bought a blanket for it on our 20 year anniversary just hoping somehow it would stay. I think, I already knew it wasn’t there anymore.
    It has helped me to realize just how much I love my other children and how precious they truly are. My husband said we could try again for which I am so grateful because we ended up in the ER and it cost a fortune.
    I don’t know if it is healthy to keep trying. I so want to hold a little baby in my arms again. I think I will adopt if I can’t have another. I always thought it would be wonderful to have a child to raise who might not have a chance otherwise.
    I’m also 40 and Rh negative, and my chances are slim to carry another child. I think the next time that I do conceive which, who knows if that will happen, I will pretend I am going through menopause. That way if I miscarry, I won’t even know.
    I have been reading a lot about pathology and different theories for these unexplained miscarriages. It is so hard to accept that there is nothing I can do to keep them safe. Thanks for making me realize I am not the only one suffering here.
    I hope God will give you all the strength to be strong despite all the tears and pain.

  9. Lisa Says:

    Nancy-I so feel your pain. It is 2:30am here and I am going through my 4th miscarriage. After 3 miscarriages we decided to pursue adoption. It took everyhting in my to get my husband and parent’s on board. We worked really hard and saved up the money. The day we were going to sign the contract with the agency I was laid off. I couldn’t believe it. I felt like I had lost another baby. During my 2 months off work I soul searched and really tried to put things into perspective. Then I found out I was pregnant the day after Thanksgiving. I thought. Ah this is why I lost my job. I am suposed to have my own baby. We had been trying for almost a year this 4th time around and finally I had gotten my BFP. My world is shattered again to find out I am losing this one too. I worked so hard. Changed my diet, did acupucture, took herbs, did yoga, did wheatgrass shots. You name it, I was doing it. I haven’t had a cherry coke in months because it had caffine in it. I completly changed my life and my attitude andI still lost the baby. So now I just don’t know what to do. I can’t put myself through this any longer. Later today I am calling my social worker up again and rescheduling the home study we had planned for October but had to cxl due to me losing my job. Thank goodness I did get a new job and start in Jan. I never thought I would lose a 4th baby. I thought I would at least have one successful pregnancy in their somewhere right? Nope. I hope all goes well with your adoption journey. Praying it isn’t as hard for us to adopt as it has been to have a successful pregnancy.

    -Lisa

  10. carrie Says:

    Hi Folks
    I just wanted to say thank-you for all putting your posts on the internet. I’m 32 years old and in the last 11 months have had 4 miscarriages at 4-6 weeks. So far nothing has come back on the tests. I take progesterone pessaries and baby asprin just in case. I eat well and don’t drink. I don’t know what to do. Should I take a break or do I just keep trying and hopefully one day I will get some luck? Its exhausting and especially when I am surrounded by friends all having babies. I am genuinely pleased for them but it is heartbreaking. Any advice? x


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