Dream you’re mine

The journey from miscarriage to whatever comes next

Fetal doppler August 30, 2008

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We used the fetal doppler we rented from baby beats for the first time today.  The literature explained that the heart beat sounds like galloping horses and the placenta/umbilical cord sounds like a whoosh or wind through the trees.  Well, we didn’t find the heart beat at 11w4d, but did hear the whooshing very clearly.  Our approach was to just see what happens and not stress if we can’t find it right away.  So it didn’t cause panic to not find it. I’m definitely feeling bigger than I have with other pregnancies that I’ve lost, so I am tentatively feeling positive.  Six more days until the NT scan and doc appt.  Six more days until some reassurance.

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Moving is tough

Filed under: Uncategorized — agplatters @ 2:37 am
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Thank God the extreme tiredness of first tri has passed!  After we closed yesterday, I worked on the house for 4 hours and felt like I hadn’t done a thing!  I had cleaned floors (dry mopped them and hubby came through with the scrubber) and washed, ironed and rehung drapes.  That’s it.

Today has been more productive.  In nine hours, I unpacked and organized most of the kitchen and china hutch.  Ran a couple loads of dishes–this is our first dish washer and I’m completely in love with it!  Oh yes, cleaned all the cabinets before putting stuff in them.  And did a Target/Home Depot run for supplies and food that takes minimal preparation over the next few days so we can focus on the house.  

So far, so good.  I wish progress was quicker, but am so glad it is a long weekend so we can dedicate time to this.  Tomorrow I should be able to finish the kitchen and then start in on the bathroom and linen closet.

 

Closing on new house today August 28, 2008

Filed under: Uncategorized — agplatters @ 8:07 am
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Today we close on the new house–bigger, quieter street and “ours” instead of “my house” or “his house.”  That is why I find myself awake at 3 am.  Well, that and the fact that I wake up every night to pee.

I’m scared.  It is exciting and will be really cool once we get settled, but I’m second guessing if this is the right decision, nervous about the finances with two homes and wondering how long it will take to sell ours.  I worry about my feet slipping out from under me on the stairs.  I have completely irrational fears about sleeping on a second level, like the house is going to crumble beneath us.  Where is everything going to go?  What should I do with paint colors and window treatments?  Should we use low/no VOC paints?  Which room should be the nursery?  How am I going to balance all the things I want to get for the house against all the reality of cost?  My mind is just racing.

It is frustrating too, because I want to push up my sleeves and start working.  I’m your typical first born, only daughter, Capricorn type and have a hard time accepting help.  I want to move boxes.  I want to paint.  All it seems like I can really do is wait for boxes to show up and then unpack them.  And then go back to the house to pack up more stuff that somebody else will have to move, which won’t be on my schedule.  

Ok, I gotta get some more sleep.

 

I made it! August 26, 2008

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I’m officially more pregnant than I’ve ever been.  Now just need to make it to the NT scan in 9 days.  And the doppler has been shipped, so that should be here this week.

 

week 11: a lime August 25, 2008

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I can’t believe the baby might be the size of a lime.  That sounds so healthy and refreshing!  Too bad I’m still a nervous wreck and desperately in need of some reassurance that just isn’t coming.  Sigh….

So my typical symptoms are pretty non-existent.  My energy level seems to be returning–my power level is about 3 out of 5 bars.  My boobs really don’t hurt, except when I roll on one while sleeping.  I guess I am still waking up in the night to pee, but even that isn’t nightly.  This is unsettling to me.  First tri symptoms are the only symptoms I’ve ever known.

As far as new symptoms, I have weird tweaks and twinges.  For a few days now my right hip feels a little tender.  It kinda reminds me of how my tendons or ligaments feel after a long run–not really sore, but kinda worn.  When I got up earlier today, I felt this sharp pain running down my inner thigh.  I assume that was a ligament.  My belly seems different.  Over the last couple of weeks, I definitely noticed a bulge, but it was really low in my pelvis.  Maybe I’m imagining it or maybe that is starting to shift upwards?

My hubby comes home today after being gone for 5 days.  I’m excited to have him home, but also curious to see if he’ll think there is anything different.  Something seems different.  I just can’t put my finger on it exactly.

 

Confession August 23, 2008

Filed under: Uncategorized — agplatters @ 2:56 pm
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In light of the spotting and the lack of attention from the doctor, I ordered a fetal heart rate monitor last night.  I had previously told myself I wouldn’t do that.  From the reading I’ve done, it doesn’t sound dangerous, but it potentially irritates the baby.  Apparently when they can, they move away from it.  But right now my brain is freaking out and I have zero confidence that this is going to be a successful pregnancy.  The spotting is still light, but symptoms are lessening too.  My boobs haven’t hurt for days.  With my second pregnancy, that happened and I thought “ah, well, it is because I’m approaching the second tri.”  This time I don’t feel as naive.  I need some reassurance.  Hopefully this will provide it for me.

I ended up renting one through babybeat.com.  I’m tired of buying things new–it is such a waste and dangerous to our environment.  And I don’t know how long I’ll want or need it.  So I went with the most basic model at $24 a month.  They say it ships the next day, so I should have something next week.

 

update on spotting August 22, 2008

Filed under: Uncategorized — agplatters @ 11:10 pm
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It seems to have stopped.  My doctor’s office really isn’t meeting my needs.  They took two hours to call me back and basically said it doesn’t sound serious, so just hang tight.  Excuse me?!?  Every pregnancy I’ve had ends with spotting and a miscarriage.  A nose bleed=not serious.  Blood coming out of my vagina=serious!

I did cry and explain that it is just difficult to keep going through this.  She said she’d talk to the doctor and get back to me.  Well, apparently they are getting back to me on Monday.  I have appts in a couple of weeks, but it may be time to look for a new doctor.  I don’t think it is too much to expect to be considered high risk and be seen more frequently when I’ve had three miscarriages.  How can they not get that?  Why can’t there be a doctor that just specializes in treating women who have had miscarriages?  They could probably make a bundle with all the extra visits and tests.

So I don’t know what to do.  With my first miscarriage, my doctor (at a different clinic I’d been going to for years) didn’t even want to see me and they were very non-chalant about the whole thing.  That is when I switched to this one and they have been much more sympathetic during and post-miscarriage, but I’m not satisfied with my level of care when I’m pregnant and scared.  The challenging thing is my husband rides his bike to work and this office is just a few blocks away from him, so it means he can be there for visits.  I don’t know where to turn next.