Dream you’re mine

The journey from miscarriage to whatever comes next

7 or 4, such a chore June 30, 2008

Filed under: Uncategorized — agplatters @ 11:37 am
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It’s official. I’m obsessed about my chart and keep trying different ways to analyze it. If I use the advanced setting on fertility friend, I’m 4 DPO and have a low chance at being pregnant this month. If I use the research setting, I’m 7 DPO and chances are high.

Possible pregnancy signs:
Woke up at 1:30 and went to the bathroom
Potential implantation dip at 6 DPO

Countdown to potential test:
Should wait until Fri: 4 days
Impatient testing date on Thurs: 3 days

The chart looks most like last June and Feb as far as temps go.  Both were months I was not pregnant.

The chart



Come on uterus! June 29, 2008

Filed under: Uncategorized — agplatters @ 11:42 am
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This is our first month trying since October.  After that miscarriage in Jan, I’ve needed to take some time off as we tested and grieved.  But I gotta say, this month is wacky.  Ovulation is either day 17 (yea!) or 20 (boo!).  Here are my reasons for both:

Day 17:  OPK was actually pretty close to positive on day 16 and then completely negative the next two days.  Cervical fluid was much more fertile then.  Cervix was high.  My temp went above 98 the next day.  All the noticeable signs seem to be there.

Day 20:  My temp sometimes drops on the second or third day after ovulation, but not both.  It is possible I had ovulation spotting that day.  This was the first night I slept in A/C all year, so I’m hoping my body was just adjusting and that is why my temp was so low.  

I’m trying to focus on facts and not what I want to believe.  If it was day 17, we are totally in business.  Day 20 means I’m on to next month, which would mean I won’t be pregnant on my second due date either.  Ugh!

So in true obsessive form, I am wondering what the hell just happened on day 23, potentially 6 days past ovulation?!?!  My temp dropped by almost a degree???  My temps aren’t normally this erratic after ovulation and my waking schedule is about the same as usual.  This is my first chart with the progesterone and the levothyroxine (thyroid med), so maybe that is having an affect.  From what I understand, progesterone is actually supposed to make your temp higher.  

So I don’t know what to believe.  I could be 6 DPO and this was an implantation dip.  Or I could be 3 DPO and this is a really drastic dip that I see on the second or third day.  We’ll see what happens tomorrow.  Let’s hope for a high temp that is to the top of the charts with a bullet!




Making it through the due date that wasn’t

Filed under: Uncategorized — agplatters @ 11:11 am
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Due dates are a big deal.  It is one of the first things an expectant mom can focus on and it means everything in those early days of pregnancy.  My first due date was June 19, which I thought was awesome for a Minnesota baby.  There was no chance of a blizzard, so I probably wouldn’t have to deliver in a snow drift as we got stranded on the way to the hospital.  (Yep, I thought about this!)  My parents could easily travel the six hours that time of year to be there.

Of course, I didn’t have long to dream about this day, as I lost the baby approximately a week after finding out I was pregnant.  But June 19 didn’t disappear from the calendar.  I was so naive when the first miscarriage happened–I truly believed I would be pregnant again by then.  Well, I was pregnant again…two more times…yet I found myself 100% not pregnant on June 19.

How do you deal with an empty uterus on the due date that wasn’t?  I don’t know if there is an answer to that.  I think there are two main things though:

1.  Be true to yourself.  I couldn’t go through the day as if it were just another day.  I couldn’t pretend everything was ok.  So I stayed home.  I cried when I needed to and did things I enjoyed.  

2.  If you want the day to be acknowledged, tell someone.  As women who have had miscarriages, we remember all the time.  Maybe others have people in their lives who remember the milestones and can anticipate tough times.  I do not.  So I reminded my husband.  I wish I didn’t have to and I suppose I’m a little angry and hurt on some level.  If I hadn’t said anything, I would have gone through the day alone without any acknowledgement or support.  I needed that, so I asked for it.  And he did great.

It was a tough day, but it is another thing to get through after all the other tough things we go through in losing a baby.  For some reason, it feels like a heaviness was lifted as I came to accept that I didn’t have my baby due that day and didn’t have any baby growing inside me.  I’m amazed at how resilient we can be and how hope can return over and over.  So we are back to trying again.



Purple potatoes June 19, 2008

Filed under: Uncategorized — agplatters @ 10:19 am
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Hey baby,

Today was the day we were going to meet.  Papa and I would have been so excited to hold you and welcome you to the family.  We wanted to share so many things with you–a house full of critters, a curiosity about the world, abundant bikes and music, you name it.  We’d have learned so much from seeing the world through your eyes.  

I can’t tell you how much I miss you.  We certainly didn’t have enough time together.  Your visits are much too short.  It’d be great if you wanted to give us another shot.  I want to cry out and beg you to come back, but if you are anything like mom and dad, you are stubborn enough to do it on your own schedule.  We’ll wait.

We just started a CSA last week.  When you are able to stay with us longer, we’ll be able to feed you lots of good stuff, teach you about growing food and explore the farm.  Last night I made roasted potatoes.  They gave us a combo of golden-brown potatoes and purple potatoes.  Purple potatoes!  As I sliced them open and saw that they were even purple inside, I smiled and thought of you.  Someday we’ll have fun making purple potatoes.  

A song just came to mind….Lullaby by Dan Wilson.  This is the only recording of it I know…http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X0nHV0qZKgM.  Someday I’ll take you to the Cedar and you can giggle and dance and have a big cookie.  

Love you forever.


Why am I not a mom? June 18, 2008

Filed under: Uncategorized — agplatters @ 2:42 am
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Thursday is my first due date.  I’m not only not pregnant, I’ve lost two more babies during those nine months.  

Here are things to keep me hopeful:

1.  This is our first month trying again and I should ovulate within the next week

2.  After months of not really feeling frisky, it’s coming back in full force and it isn’t even baby making time yet!

3.  Hubby is being supportive

I think I’ll still spend all day in bed with the furballs, some knitting and a vat of ice cream.