Monday was our first anniversary. What a change from one year to the next! Last year, we had a gorgeous, sunny weekend to celebrate with all our friends and family. This year we were stranded in a cabin up north under a foot and a half of snow with just us and the dog. And the extra 15 lbs I’ve packed on in the last year.
Last year I expected to have problems with the baby making, but was anxious and hopeful to give it a shot. I was completely unprepared for multiple miscarriages and the roller coaster that accompanies that. It has definitely impacted our relationship. In some ways, I felt so loved and supported by my husband because he was always the first to know. At times it has made us close. Over the last few months though, it seems like there has been a silence and distance between us at times. He has made comments about how this isn’t that bad for him, which devalues how I feel. I’m probably depressed. I’ve turned to food, wine, and the couch to numb me. I’ve put on 15 lbs, partially due to these activities (or lack thereof), but also on some level it protects me and reminds me that yes, I was pregnant. It protects me because I feel less attractive–I can’t lose a baby if my husband finds me gross after all. Of course, all of the jumbled up thoughts and emotions are unfounded. They are just things I need to work through. Maybe others feel the same way and it can be comforting to know you aren’t alone.
So here we are a year later. I think we’re due a good one. What do I hope for the next year?
1. Steps forward towards being parents, which will include additional tests, pregnancy, and deciding together what the right actions are for us
2. A new house–we are actually going to a second showing tonight!
Although the year was tough, we had a spectacular weekend stranded in the woods. It was exactly what we needed. And even though this year sucked, there is nobody else I’d rather have with me.
And I have a secret. Promise not to tell? I didn’t chart or use OPKs this month. I just needed a break. But given my stats, I’ll probably have an announcement next week. Yowza.