1st ultrasound July 25, 2008

I was supposed to have an ultrasound next week to measure the baby so the timing of the NT scan would be correct.  But then I started spotting red yesterday and my symptoms have been non-existent this week, so they moved it up to today.

They saw the baby, measuring 6w2d, and a heartbeat of 122.  From what they said and what I’ve found online, that is a healthy heartbeat at this point.  So that was great news and very reassuring.

I talked to the doctor about my disappearing symptoms.  She said that given my history, they won’t consider me out of the woods until 10 weeks.  She did say not to worry about the symptoms, but to call if I have more spotting and cramping.

I’m still scared.  My second pregnancy lasted until 11 weeks and we had an ultrasound at 7w2d due to spotting.  We saw a heartbeat then too, but they couldn’t get a measurement on the rate and it was measuring a little behind.   There were no signs of anything being wrong from 7w2d until 11w.  When I miscarried, they said it only developed to sometime during the 6th week.  So on the one hand, this is the furthest I’ve been since we have a healthy heartbeat.  On the other, I need to shake this feeling of history repeating itself and start to feel confident again.

Ultrasound tomorrow July 25, 2008

My clinic set up an appointment tomorrow for an ultrasound and discussion with the doctor.  I’m glad they were able to get me in, but I’m dreading going to another ultrasound where it isn’t something to be excited about doing.  I’m tired of seeing all those pregnant bellies in the waiting room and hear strangers talking excitedly, mothers telling mothers-to-be what an experience they have to look forward to.  I’m tired of having all the future visits outlined for me, hearing about the 20 week ultrasound and being filled with doubt that I’ll ever be there.  

After the third miscarriage and all the testing, the doc said it is chromosomal and we just need to keep trying, that eventually we’ll get a healthy egg and sperm.  I can’t keep doing what has failed.  That just doesn’t make sense to me.  I think it may be time to switch to an RE.

I know I sound like I’ve given up hope for this baby.  I’m trying hard not to, but I want to be realistic too.  And my reality is that I’m still spotting red, my symptoms are barely there and my cervix feels low and open.