We all fear becoming our parents. And yeah, I see that happening in myself all the time. But what if I’m afraid I’d become my birthparents on some deeply buried level? The people who gave me away. I’m grateful for that and I’m grateful that they allow me to be in their lives now. It was done out of love. That doesn’t take away the knowledge that they were not equipped to raise me at that time or together. Can I raise someone else or will I repeat their fate?
I am full of blame towards myself–and I think it preceded the miscarriages. There is a part of me that feels I don’t deserve to be a mother.
By no means am I saying that miscarriages are the result of some warped, mental hard wiring. But I know for myself, I need to dig deeper to uncover what is going on before I can be open to being a mother, however that happens.
It is going to take one big shovel….
