The numbers April 9, 2008

All these numbers keep rolling around in my head.  Here’s an attempt to shut off that part of my brain:

Personal chance of getting pregnant

We tried for a year and had 8 months to possibly get pregnant during that time.  Two months we took off.  So that brings it down to 6 opportunities.  Then 3 pregnancies.  So my personal rate of getting pregnant is 50%.  Maybe even more since those first few months I was still coming off the pill.

Personal chance of a miscarriage

So I’m 3 for 3.  100%.  

Projected ability to have a healthy child at 39 (that is the earliest I’d have a baby)

My doc provided info on the incidence rate of down’s syndrome and any chromosomal abnormalities.  At 39, there is a 1/137 (<1%) chance of a child with down’s.  There is a 1/82 (1.2%) chance of having a child with a chromosomal problem of some kind.

So if you look at my chance of getting pregnant, carrying it to term and then having a healthy child 9 months later, it is 0% chance since my miscarriage rate is 100%. But let’s use 50%, since they say that is the possibility of having a healthy pregnancy after 3 miscarriages.

.50 (chance of getting pregnant each month) X .50 (chance of having a full term pregnancy)=.25

So I have a 1 in 4 chance of going to term.  If only that meant pregnancy number 4 would result in a baby.  But then there is the 1% chance that it wouldn’t be healthy too.  So I have less than a 25% chance on any given month of actually getting and staying pregnant.  And that is if they can figure out why this is happening and do something about it.  In reality, given my current situation, that chance is 0%.  Wow.

An introduction April 9, 2008

I’m not sure if anyone will ever read these words.  If you are here, I hope this can be a place for other miscarriage survivors to feel like they can have support, insights and hopefully a little humor and hope by the end of it all.  

A little about me–maybe you could call me a late bloomer.  I met my husband at 35, got engaged at 36 and married at 37.  Now as a 38 year old newlywed, I’ve lost three babies in a six month time frame.  I’m in a dark, hopeless place right now and I’m searching for a way to understand what is happening, if anything can be done and what other paths we’ll take on the way to being parents.  I feel defective, unable to control my own body and like I have an utterly useless uterus.  I can’t help but feel it is all because I’m old.

I’ll slowly share each miscarriage experience–maybe you’ll see some of yourself.  But I simply couldn’t shut my red, swollen eyes until I made this blog a reality.  There is a song by Dan Wilson called Cry off of his CD Free Life that has really touched me.  (Not sure how much of a rock star he is elsewhere, but he’s a bit of a legend in these parts and a witty, gracious, sexy fella to boot. If you don’t recognize the name, he was with Trip Shakespeare and Semisonic, won a grammy or two for writing with the Dixie Chicks and also produces the likes of Mike Doughty.)  It sums up all those things I can’t find the words for…and so I just stay silent.  It may sound all out depressing, but I find it comforting.  It is actually pretty uplifting and it is like someone understands.  Here are the lyrics (you can also listen to it on his myspace page):

One more long and lonely night, left here on my own.  Do you wanna make me wanna cry.

Lost my baby in the fight, don’t know where you’ve gone.  Do you wanna make me wanna cry.

So I lie alone and I wonder where you’ve gone and I dream you’re mine wide awake.

Chorus:  Don’t you wanna make me feel like I’m a thousand stories high.  Don’t you wanna make me feel I’ll never fail, I’ll never die.  Don’t you wanna set me free, we’ll override the history, turn to find our destiny and never turn away.

The devil was an angel once, beautiful like you.  Do you wanna make me wanna cry.

I don’t care how far you fall, I’ll catch you when you do.  Do you wanna make me wanna cry.

So I close my eyes, try to hold my head up high.  And I pray my soul not to break.

Chorus

Do you really wanna say goodbye.  Do you wanna make me wanna cry.

More chorus

So there you have it.  I stole the title of the blog from Dan Wilson.  I don’t know what he wrote the song about, but Dan, if you ever stumble across this site, a couple of things: thank you for that song and all the peace it has brought me and I hope I didn’t violate any kind of copyright laws by naming my blog with your words.  They were the perfect words.

 

Hello world! April 9, 2008

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