Our anniversary April 30, 2008

Monday was our first anniversary.  What a change from one year to the next!  Last year, we had a gorgeous, sunny weekend to celebrate with all our friends and family.  This year we were stranded in a cabin up north under a foot and a half of snow with just us and the dog.  And the extra 15 lbs I’ve packed on in the last year.

Last year I expected to have problems with the baby making, but was anxious and hopeful to give it a shot.  I was completely unprepared for multiple miscarriages and the roller coaster that accompanies that.  It has definitely impacted our relationship.  In some ways, I felt so loved and supported by my husband because he was always the first to know.  At times it has made us close.  Over the last few months though, it seems like there has been a silence and distance between us at times.  He has made comments about how this isn’t that bad for him, which devalues how I feel.  I’m probably depressed.  I’ve turned to food, wine, and the couch to numb me.  I’ve put on 15 lbs, partially due to these activities (or lack thereof), but also on some level it protects me and reminds me that yes, I was pregnant.  It protects me because I feel less attractive–I can’t lose a baby if my husband finds me gross after all.  Of course, all of the jumbled up thoughts and emotions are unfounded.  They are just things I need to work through.  Maybe others feel the same way and it can be comforting to know you aren’t alone.

So here we are a year later.  I think we’re due a good one.  What do I hope for the next year?

1.  Steps forward towards being parents, which will include additional tests, pregnancy, and deciding together what the right actions are for us

2.  A new house–we are actually going to a second showing tonight!

Although the year was tough, we had a spectacular weekend stranded in the woods.  It was exactly what we needed.  And even though this year sucked, there is nobody else I’d rather have with me.

And I have a secret.  Promise not to tell?  I didn’t chart or use OPKs this month.  I just needed a break.  But given my stats, I’ll probably have an announcement next week.  Yowza.  

Adoption option April 25, 2008

I’ve been thinking about some of the comments yesterday with the doctor.  She said that even after 3 m/cs, there is a 71% chance of having a live birth.  She also said if I want to parent, there is a 100% chance of that.  I mentioned my concerns about requirements related to length of marriage and she said if we do not qualify for other agencies, there are always children in the foster car system.  She would connect me with parents who have done that and would not have it any other way.

So when I’m feeling hopeless, I gotta remember that.  Maybe that will prevent me from raiding the fridge or dipping into our dwindling stock of wine.  

We are open to adoption.  How could we not be?  I’m adopted and my husband has aunts and uncles who are.  We were both raised in families who have been built by it.  Earlier this week, I got An Idiot’s Guide to Adoption through paperback swap.  I do feel pulled in that direction, but it would be weird to never be part of a family where nobody looks alike or can answer questions at the doctor that start with “any family history of…”  Actually, that is my normal.  (Luckily I have a relationship with both birthparents and her children now.  It is an unusual relationship–there is definitely love there, but there really isn’t a way to say what we are to each other.  It is like holding something really common in your hand, like an apple, and saying “this reminds me of something.  What is it?  What do I do with it?”)

So we’ll see what the next round of tests bring.  There was talk of follicle stimulating drugs or just keep trying each month as possible outcomes.  So my choices could be those or give up on trying.  I say I want a plan.  But do I really want to choose between those plans?  

Next steps April 25, 2008

Hi, I’m a bit drunk April 23, 2008

So I have volunteered at a local non-profit music venue for many years.  I swill beer, interact with patrons and get incredibly spoiled with great music.  It has so many pluses, but the big downfall is that I’ve heard so many incredible artists over the years, it takes a lot for me to be blown away.  This is the cross I must bear in life.  I guess it offsets some of the other crosses.

Anyway, tonight I spent a couple of hours where one of the staff members wanted to pick my brain on what works well and what doesn’t, how to reach other audiences, etc.  Me?!?  I have no great insights.  I do it for a variety of not particularly noble or thought out reasons:

1. I get to hear music I may be curious about, but wouldn’t pay for
2. I get to earn free tix to show I’m actually really jacked about
3. When I work 40 hours in a year, my employer gives them money
4. My fave job ever was working in a bar.  Unfortunately for all the bars out there, I like to earn money, work normal hours and have benefits.  I also have a propensity (sp?) towards varicose veins–thanks, bio mom!–so being on my feet that many hours would prevent me from wearing shorts or skirts ever again.  Doing it a few times a month gives me the best of both worlds though–I can earn my living, have fun pretending to work in a bar and only have small bulges popping out of my leg.  Plus sometimes I get to flirt with boys.

So did I provide any useful info?  No idea.  It is pretty amazing though that my opinion matters.  I suppose all of our opinions matter in small, unrecognized ways every day.  Just the thought that it might matter is kinda cool.  I suppose that is what a blog is.  A way to try to make your opinion matter.  

And even weirder?  I am going to be on the finance and audit committee for the board.  If you asked my husband, he’d say it takes a formal RFP to get $5 out of our budget and this is a good fit!  But again, I’m certainly no expert and I only hope I can add some value to the process.  

Life is funny.  You get this idea in your head of how it is supposed to look….well, how you want it to look at least.  But if you are open to the things thrown your way, who knows where it will lead?

Signing off,

Drunkity girl

whoa April 22, 2008

We all fear becoming our parents.  And yeah, I see that happening in myself all the time.  But what if I’m afraid I’d become my birthparents on some deeply buried level?  The people who gave me away.  I’m grateful for that and I’m grateful that they allow me to be in their lives now.  It was done out of love.  That doesn’t take away the knowledge that they were not equipped to raise me at that time or together.  Can I raise someone else or will I repeat their fate?

I am full of blame towards myself–and I think it preceded the miscarriages.  There is a part of me that feels I don’t deserve to be a mother.

By no means am I saying that miscarriages are the result of some warped, mental hard wiring.  But I know for myself, I need to dig deeper to uncover what is going on before I can be open to being a mother, however that happens. 

It is going to take one big shovel….

Time to share… April 22, 2008

Here is my story, chapter one.

I always thought I’d have problems getting pregnant.  So I wasn’t surprised when my period appeared each month for five months of trying.  And when I say trying, I mean TRYING.  Here’s my deal.  I do nothing impulsively.  I let things float around in my head for awhile, decide if it is something I actually want and then come up with ideas on how to do it.  A lot of times, they never get past the floating stage as the pros and cons volley back and forth.  But for this whole pregnancy thing, the big con is my age.  It trumped everything else, so we got right to it.

For me, that meant educating myself on my cycle, taking my temp each morning, monitoring cervical fluid, analyzing charts, POASing (pee on a stick–ovulation prediction kits in this case), propping a pillow under my bum, you name it!  Obsession on!  For Nate, that meant being my stud on demand.  And giving me his best I’m-listening-and-I-care-look as I rambled on about TTC–LPs, DPOs, CDs, etc.  Also on demand.

So as I awaited my AF (aka period), I found myself waking up in the middle of the night to pee and a little late.  Little did I know that is what my body starts doing right away when I’m pregnant.  So on October 10, 2007, at approximately 2:30 AM, I peed on the nearest stick and didn’t sleep a wink after finding out I was pregnant.  PREGNANT.  What I thought was impossible, was possible after all.

I walked around in a happy bubble. My boobs exploded and felt like they were in a vice.  I ate with abandon, gave up the booze and dreamt of what life would be like, fears and all.  I didn’t know any better about the spotting.  The doctor said maybe my cervix was irritated from exercising and not to worry.  That was the last time the sign of blood didn’t send me into a tailspin.

On October 16, I started bleeding heavier.  And cramping.  I still held out to hope that there was an explanation besides the obvious one.  It wasn’t just the baby I lost that day.  To say I lost my innocence and hopefulness doesn’t begin to explain the depths of what’s missing.  I lost faith in my body.  I lost the ability to go to the bathroom without thorough inspection of the toilet paper.  I lost the ability to be happy for pregnant women, the desire to hold a baby that isn’t my own, to go to Target without opening myself up to tears, to believe that I’ll have one someday.  

I lost my baby.   And it was only the beginning….

Retail therapy? April 17, 2008

It’s an interesting twist right now.  We’ve had a car crash and burn (not literally!)  I found myself on the side of the road in a dead 1988 Reliant K car on Sunday.  Ya know, the one that used to be Nate’s grandma’s car with the ceiling cloth stapled to the top of the car and other lovely features.  I am not too torn up about it!  It is pretty sad when the “nice” car is an 8 year old Corolla with 120k miles.  : )  But until Sunday, they both got us where we need to go.

So it wasn’t really part of the plan–the plan was to buy a new house this summer and have a baby.  But I have to admit, the thought of a new car is kinda exciting!  It is our first big purchase together, if you don’t consider wedding and travel.  We’ve pretty much set our minds on a Honda Element.  Nate wants something with four wheel drive and the ability to tow his fishing boat.  We do lots of outdoorsy things, with and without the pup, so it is made for messes and easy clean ups.  And you can sleep two people in it!  Great for camping in an unexpected storm.  Last night we did a test drive…the salesman asked if we had kids….and the surprising thing is it didn’t hurt.  It was one of those moments where I catch my breath, but I didn’t feel the tears coming on or feel like crawling into bed with the dog, cat, a bucket of ice cream and some wine.  That’s a good thing, right?  

I have two theories on why this makes me feel better.  

1.  We know we will need another car when the kid comes.  The Corolla is still pretty reliable, but it doesn’t have great traction in rain or snow.  So we wanted to get something sturdier for kid time and we wanted something that could comfortably fit two adults, an 80 lbs dog and a baby.  So even though we really aren’t any closer to having a kid, it feels like we’ll be better prepared.

2.  One of the hardest things for me with the miscarriages is that my body totally betrays me and there is nothing I can do about it.  I’m a planner.  I like to have something to look forward to and take steps to make that happen.  Miscarriages are so completely out of my control.  So this is making me feel like it is something I can control again.  

So there ya go.  I’ve spent most of my time at work doing anything but work….looking up used Elements, reading reviews, figuring out financing.  But hey, I manage to get out of bed and show up every day.  I’m just taking a mini-vacation from my desk.  

Crazy on the inside April 10, 2008

So I have an appointment with the doctor for two weeks from now.  Apparently my body is not acting normal.  I had three positive tests on Fri and Sat.  I had a negative test Tues morning before the third m/c started.  They say that isn’t normal to have a negative result like that.  They said they do believe me, but wonder what is going on with my body.  I don’t even know if I believe me.  I feel like a friggin’ crazy lady.  Like you’ll be reading about me in the newspaper and how I faked a pregnancy for 9 months before stealing a baby from a grocery store.  

I just gotta remind myself there were two lines on those tests and I was 5 days late before the m/c began.  I was at least a little pregnant.  

The numbers April 9, 2008

All these numbers keep rolling around in my head.  Here’s an attempt to shut off that part of my brain:

Personal chance of getting pregnant

We tried for a year and had 8 months to possibly get pregnant during that time.  Two months we took off.  So that brings it down to 6 opportunities.  Then 3 pregnancies.  So my personal rate of getting pregnant is 50%.  Maybe even more since those first few months I was still coming off the pill.

Personal chance of a miscarriage

So I’m 3 for 3.  100%.  

Projected ability to have a healthy child at 39 (that is the earliest I’d have a baby)

My doc provided info on the incidence rate of down’s syndrome and any chromosomal abnormalities.  At 39, there is a 1/137 (<1%) chance of a child with down’s.  There is a 1/82 (1.2%) chance of having a child with a chromosomal problem of some kind.

So if you look at my chance of getting pregnant, carrying it to term and then having a healthy child 9 months later, it is 0% chance since my miscarriage rate is 100%. But let’s use 50%, since they say that is the possibility of having a healthy pregnancy after 3 miscarriages.

.50 (chance of getting pregnant each month) X .50 (chance of having a full term pregnancy)=.25

So I have a 1 in 4 chance of going to term.  If only that meant pregnancy number 4 would result in a baby.  But then there is the 1% chance that it wouldn’t be healthy too.  So I have less than a 25% chance on any given month of actually getting and staying pregnant.  And that is if they can figure out why this is happening and do something about it.  In reality, given my current situation, that chance is 0%.  Wow.

An introduction April 9, 2008

I’m not sure if anyone will ever read these words.  If you are here, I hope this can be a place for other miscarriage survivors to feel like they can have support, insights and hopefully a little humor and hope by the end of it all.  

A little about me–maybe you could call me a late bloomer.  I met my husband at 35, got engaged at 36 and married at 37.  Now as a 38 year old newlywed, I’ve lost three babies in a six month time frame.  I’m in a dark, hopeless place right now and I’m searching for a way to understand what is happening, if anything can be done and what other paths we’ll take on the way to being parents.  I feel defective, unable to control my own body and like I have an utterly useless uterus.  I can’t help but feel it is all because I’m old.

I’ll slowly share each miscarriage experience–maybe you’ll see some of yourself.  But I simply couldn’t shut my red, swollen eyes until I made this blog a reality.  There is a song by Dan Wilson called Cry off of his CD Free Life that has really touched me.  (Not sure how much of a rock star he is elsewhere, but he’s a bit of a legend in these parts and a witty, gracious, sexy fella to boot. If you don’t recognize the name, he was with Trip Shakespeare and Semisonic, won a grammy or two for writing with the Dixie Chicks and also produces the likes of Mike Doughty.)  It sums up all those things I can’t find the words for…and so I just stay silent.  It may sound all out depressing, but I find it comforting.  It is actually pretty uplifting and it is like someone understands.  Here are the lyrics (you can also listen to it on his myspace page):

One more long and lonely night, left here on my own.  Do you wanna make me wanna cry.

Lost my baby in the fight, don’t know where you’ve gone.  Do you wanna make me wanna cry.

So I lie alone and I wonder where you’ve gone and I dream you’re mine wide awake.

Chorus:  Don’t you wanna make me feel like I’m a thousand stories high.  Don’t you wanna make me feel I’ll never fail, I’ll never die.  Don’t you wanna set me free, we’ll override the history, turn to find our destiny and never turn away.

The devil was an angel once, beautiful like you.  Do you wanna make me wanna cry.

I don’t care how far you fall, I’ll catch you when you do.  Do you wanna make me wanna cry.

So I close my eyes, try to hold my head up high.  And I pray my soul not to break.

Chorus

Do you really wanna say goodbye.  Do you wanna make me wanna cry.

More chorus

So there you have it.  I stole the title of the blog from Dan Wilson.  I don’t know what he wrote the song about, but Dan, if you ever stumble across this site, a couple of things: thank you for that song and all the peace it has brought me and I hope I didn’t violate any kind of copyright laws by naming my blog with your words.  They were the perfect words.