hormonal vent–it’s a doozie July 3, 2009

Oh my.  We are supposed to go camping this weekend with a group of people.  Hubby rode his bike out to the site, leaving seven hours ago.  It was going to take a few hours to get there, so I was running errands, went to the gym and the plan was to join him late afternoon/early eve.

I love my husband.  He tried.  He’s just not very detailed or effective at time management.  Add a pregnant wife who can’t remember things and it has been a really trying afternoon.  Went to Target to pick up non-food items, co-op to stock up on yummy fruit and two trips to the neighborhood store for things I forgot.  Took countless trips up and down the stairs doing laundry, packing stuff, taking bathroom breaks, feeding cats, etc.  Also took countless trips back and forth from house to van to get stuff in there.  When you are tired and your lungs are being squeezed and you can’t carry a lot, the trips really add up.  So I’m doing all this and I’m exhausted and crabby.  Little did I know that was the most pleasant I’d be all day.

Then everything is finally in the vehicle, so it is time to try to leave.  Now this vehicle is a VW camper van that belongs to my in-laws.  It is old and I have never driven it.  And I have a history of hitting inanimate objects with larger vehicles that I’m unfamiliar with, but that hasn’t been an issue since I can’t even get it out of the driveway.  First of all, the seat was way too far back for all 5′2″ of me to reach the pedals.  So I move it up, but then my belly is in the steering wheel and I can’t get the seat to move back.  I call hubby and tell him I’m either not coming or will grab the tent and move everything into the Corolla.  He says he’ll call his friend to come over and help.  I proceed to go inside and bawl until friend shows up.  He moves the seat and it is time to go again.  I put the clutch in, turn the key and try to give it some gas to get it going.  Engine won’t turn over.  Did I mention this is OLD???  So call hubby again and he tells me various things to try….the car is finally running.  So then, even though I told him I didn’t want to deal with reverse when he was saying how tricky it is, he left the van in the driveway with only one way out….reverse.  He says to look at the knob to figure out reverse.  First off, knob is upside down, but I did figure that one out before actually trying to reverse.  After correcting this, I try five times to get it into the correct position, but it still moves forward when I give it gas.  Now, this was also occurring at pregnant lady supper time, so you add hunger + hours on feet packing + constant replay of times I’ve said to hubby “I am tired and can’t do what I’ve normally been able to do” + piece of shit vehicle and what do you get???  FUCKING INSANE PREGNANT WIFE!!!  If you are my husband, you think the thing to say is “can’t you try one more time?”  Somehow between sobs I was able to choke out “no, I can’t try one more time.  I’m done.  I can’t do this.”

He said he’s getting a ride from someone back into town and will drive us out there.  That gives me time to eat some dinner at least.  It is only a half hour away.  And then I’ll waddle into the campground with blood shot, puffy eyes just in time to go to bed.  Sigh…..I think it would have been more enjoyable to be at work today.  At least on Monday when the three hour glucose test sucks, I can think “at least it isn’t last Friday.”

Almost 29 weeks… July 2, 2009

Whew.  I’m pooped from everything that has been going on!  First of all, let’s just get it out there that all is fine.

So here’s the update on the blood pressure….

I ended up at the hospital on Sat for labs and assessment since I was having some vision things where that seemed like fireflies in my peripheral vision.  They did labs for pre-e and gestational hypertension and everything came back great.  So that was a relief, but it was still measuring really high at work even when I didn’t feel stressed.  At all.  So I brought in my machine to conduct some experiments against the one at work and there is a difference of 15-20 pts between mine and work.  Then I brought mine into my doc office to calibrate against that and my machine is correct.  So for WEEKS I have been freaking out about my bp, adding more stress to my life, when there was no problem.  I’m so friggin’ irritated.  You’d just expect a bit more when you work at a health insurance company that has a mission of making people healthier.  Meanwhile, who knows how many employees are walking around thinking they have high bp, going to the doc, maybe even going on meds unnecessarily?  Brilliant.  I will be reporting this to human resources.  But the good news is that the big guy is absolutely fine!

28 week appointment…..

Today was my 28 week appointment and the big thing is the one hour glucose tolerance test.  The drink itself didn’t taste bad and it was a smaller quantity than I expected.  It did make me feel like I was going to pass out and made my acid reflux horrible.  I was a little worried about puking.  After waiting an hour, they do the blood draw and I failed by 4 pts.  Dang.  I’m sure the three hour on Monday will be absolutely fine, even though I am a dessert-aholic.  But I wonder if I’ll even make it through without puking or passing out?  Hmmm….

In other appointment news, belly is measuring perfectly and he sounds great.  As soon as I drank the glucose stuff, he was moving like mad!  In fact, while I waited he walloped me a couple of times so strongly that I saw my shirt move!  So it was fun to feel him moving around so much today.  I had a pretty bad sugar crash and felt lousy all afternoon.  So I now have a four day weekend to do the three hour on Monday.  Too bad it will be such an unpleasant experience.  And I’m now up 14 lbs.  I might not be able to keep it to my goal of 15-25 lbs.  Dang.

I was telling the doc that although I still have anxiety, it is much better now that I know he could survive if he’s born tomorrow.  She said that I really just need to get through the next four weeks and the children’s hospital here is so good that, although expensive, he’d be ok.  Obviously neither of us are hoping for that, but that really felt good to hear.

So it has been a bit of a crazy week!  I didn’t complete all our June goals.  Poop.  But the nursery walls are painted, the ceiling is 95% done and I did exercise quite a bit.  I’m going to have to think about what we can get done in July.  We do have a childbirth class and all about babies two different weekends at the hospital.  And now I really, really want to get the nursery done.

Hello from third tri! June 20, 2009

So, after being pregnant for 63 weeks, I can finally say I’ve made it to third tri.  Unbelievable.  It was a little bittersweet, as it coincided with the due date from the first pregnancy–well, except baby was due in 2008.  I found myself thinking of what my life would have been like with a one year old and all we would have learned in the last year.  But it was actually more upsetting to think of all the babies who never had a chance and the ways it has changed me.  There are good things.  I now know it is ok to say “I don’t know what to say and don’t know what it is like to go through that” when someone is experiencing a tough time.  I truly realize what a miracle it is that there is a little guy kicking around in me.  But there are things I don’t like about myself–how guarded I am, how I can’t fully enjoy being pregnant, how little innocuous questions like “is this your first?” make me tense.  I hate that when people say completely insensitive things, I struggle with a way to educate them and usually just bite my tongue.  I’d like to believe I’ll relax after he’s here, but worry that I will be super overprotective.  And now I find myself thinking that after five losses, how can I possibly have a healthy kid?  That becomes a downward spiral that something is going to go wrong with him being a preemie or not making it through childbirth.

I guess it is all part of the territory when you’ve gone through multiple losses.  I’m not complaining.  Just trying to figure out how to make sense of it all and move forward with as much positive energy as I can muster.

So here I am in third tri….my body freaks me out on a pretty regular basis…I swear my nipples have migrated about 2″ down my boobs and my ass is huge!  I sleep great and usually still just wake up one time per night, but am feeling more tired again.  Time is standing still.  My blood pressure is still high at work, but my doc just wants me to monitor and call them immediately if certain things occur (pre-e signs, although they haven’t put it in those words.)  The heat and humidity has hit.  I guess I have a case of the pregnancy blahs.  Shopping seems to be a good cure.

Here’s a photo from last week.  I can’t find the camera to take a new one, but don’t think there has been a big change.  I’m up 11 lbs now, which may sound low, but I pre-gained a lot.

Stress relief tips?? June 12, 2009

First off, the good news.  I’m 99 days out from my due date–not that it really means much, but still a fun milestone.  Then we got our first CSA box this eve and had lots of yummy food for dinner.  

Now, the bad news.  Work sucks ass.  My boss is too busy with his own stuff to provide any support or direction.  Layoffs are happening in July and I know which employee from my team is being laid off, so that is always fun to act like business as usual when you know it isn’t that way.  Then every couple of days, small, random layoffs occur throughout the company.  Any “decision” that is made is flip flopped within a matter of days.  (A week ago I was told that one of my employees needed to focus on only business tasks and hand off all tool development to IS, including taking away her security to do this.  We had a painful conversation, she’s been completely whiny and high maintenance since then because she doesn’t like the decision and today I’m told to have her go back to doing development work too.  Gee, thanks for flip flopping, putting me through all this crap in the last week and making me look like an incompetent manager.)  

Morale is horrible.  I’m already trying to exercise daily, including yoga a couple of times a week.  I try to tell myself to just let it go and take deep breaths.  Besides being a dessert-aholic, I generally eat pretty well.  But how is my body reacting?  Today my BP was 157/101 at work.  So I’m going to be monitoring that over the next week or two and discussing with my OB.  At home it was 128/84, so almost normal and pretty good considering I’m still going to have a little stress from dealing with work all day.  I don’t know what else to do–I can’t change what is happening there and am trying to change how I react.  The thought of going back tomorrow makes me want to bawl.  I feel so helpless right now!

24 week appt June 7, 2009

Friday was my 24 week appt and it went well overall, but there were some shocking moments.  The great news is I’m measuring right where I should be, baby sounds great and cervix is nicely closed and doing what it needs to do.  My main concerns were the way spider veins are taking over my legs, recommendations on exercise since bladder is kicking into overdrive and that I feel pressure low, which I also mentioned at my 20 week appt.  I didn’t think much of that comment, since I also mentioned it isn’t very frequent.  Well, apparently that sets up some red flags, because she tells me they want to do a chemical test to see if I’ll be going into labor in the next few weeks.  GULP.  The test itself was like a pap and it was run within a few hours.  I’d get a call from the on call doc if there was a concern.  Now that two days have passed and I’ve gotten no call, it is safe to say I will not be going into labor in the next few weeks.  So it is kinda reassuring to know that at this point!  There were just some moments of terror associated with that appt.

As far as the spider veins, she recommended support hose.  They aren’t prescription and I guess I shouldn’t complain, because it is definitely worth it in the long run.  I actually put on a pair this morning and my legs felt great!  So that is cool.  And the exercise thing?  I was at the Y the other night, did a pre-emptive pee and was dying to pee again as soon as the elliptical started doing its thing!  I tried to hold it, but it was becoming kinda painful and I could feel a trickle….so I ran to the bathroom….only to have it happen again as soon as I got back on the elliptical!  He must be right on my bladder when I stand these days!  So she recommended being in the pool as well, so I’m going to try to do that a few times a week.  Walking seems to be going ok still.

Goals for June:

Finish painting nursery 

Get crib up

Purchase dresser and possibly rocker of some kind

Exercise every day (mind you, I counted walking around the mall and stopping for coffee cake with my mom exercise yesterday!)

Focus on mental preparation for child birth

Finish reading 2-3 child birth books

Start meditating 2x a week

First session with doula June 2, 2009

Tonight was the first session with our doula, beyond the initial interview.  Lots of good information, but also lots of overwhelming feelings right now!  This post is just to help organize my thoughts.

Pregnancy and childbirth books

I gathered all my books together, both read and unread, to give her an idea of where we are at in preparing and thinking through the type of birth we want.  So far I’ve read The Thinking Women’s Guide to a Better Birth and The Official Lamaze Guide.  Both of these were not so much about birthing methods, but all the choices you face for medical interventions and the impact of each.  Obviously they are going to be biased, but I found them helpful.  In the unread stack, we have Birthing from Within, Husband Coached Childbirth, Natural Childbirth the Bradley Way, plus I have Ina May’s book and Pushed on hold at the library.  She thought these were all great choices and pointed out illustrations in the Natural Childbirth the Bradley Way for baby position and what is happening to mother and baby.  She also said the relaxation technique in there is something hubby and I should be practicing at least once a week.

Medications during birth

She did an overview of various medications that can be used in the various stages of birth.  Some was familiar from my reading, but it was helpful to hear that and to have hubby hear it.  Notes I made were:

Pitocin–I didn’t take notes about using it during childbirth, since it isn’t something I want to do and she said the docs at my clinic are extremely reluctant to use to induce labor.  It was interesting to hear that they do give a shot after delivering the placenta to help the uterus contract.  We have the option to wait to see if uterus will contract on its own.

Unisom, benadryl, Rx sleep aids–these may be taken during early labor to help rest during contractions.  

Nubane or epidural are choices for pain of contractions.

Nubane–this is used during active labor and can be difficult on baby if it is administered close to the time when delivery occurs.  They may have to administer more drugs to baby to counteract the effects of the meds.  Women have reported that it goes straight to their head in a drunk feeling, but in a way that makes you feel like you’ve gone too far.  She talked more about the impact to the moms, all very unsavory for someone like me who is impacted really heavily by meds.  We all agreed it probably wasn’t a good option given my track record, so I didn’t jot down everything.

Epidural–first is the numbing shot and then the large gauge needle into the back, which then has the epidural catheter strung through it.    Once you have an epidural, you can no longer get out of bed and will need some sort of catheter to empty the bladder.  The baby can be lethargic and it can impact the sucking reflex for quite some time after birth.  There will also be constant monitoring of my blood pressure and it can impact baby’s heartrate as well.

Sterile water injection–this is only for back labor, but is four injections right below the skin in the back.  It disrupts the signals for pain from back labor only, but not contractions.

Labor stages and going to hospital

Early labor is from 1-4 cm and the contractions can be inconsistent in strength and timing.  This can go on for days or weeks.

Active labor is from 4-7 cm.  Signs that you are transitioning to active labor include contractions every 2-3 mins, can’t talk through contractions, may be shaking, emotional and/or vomiting.  They want to see 1 cm every hour or so to show it is progressing.

Transition is from 7-10 cm.  With each stage, the key is to get over the step up to the next level and then settle into the contractions.   

I am thinking we’d wait until active labor to go to the hospital and she did give us some tips on that.  One is that once we get to the hospital, they will check baby’s heartrate and determine if we need constant monitoring or not.  To ensure a good reading, I’ll need to eat something and have a cold beverage with sugar and caffeine before going to the hospital.  Depending on if the water breaks before hand, I’ll need to check it to determine how soon we should go to the hospital.  If it is clear, we can labor at home.  Once you call the doc, they will say to come to the hospital and may not allow you to leave.  If there is meconium, with a neon yellow/green tint and some feces, it is important to get to the hospital, but we have time to pack the car and get organized.  If it is like pea soup, drop everything, call hospital, then call her on the way.

Things to eat and drink at home (and possibly at hospital) are smart water or vitamin water for the electrolytes (she even recommended drinking 1 per day throughout summer), tea and emergen-c (this can even be sprinkled on ice chips.)  Snacks are somewhat up to personal preference, but seemed to be a combo of protein for long lasting energy and sugar that you can quickly metabolize.  It reminded me of what I used during the marathons, so that was cool.  It will remind me of doing those and times where I’ve been challenged and successful.  

Exercises

We talked about exercise and I told her I do a combo of prenatal yoga, walking, elliptical, biking and weight lifting.  She recommended again being in the pool at least 2x a week, floating on my belly.  Other things to do….

Sitting position–sit straight with hips wide, feet touching each other.  Or sit with feet on floor, hips wide, elbows on knees and stretch back.

Standing–stand with hips wide and sway from side to side or in circles.

Pelvic tilts–on all fours, with a flat back, do pelvic tilts.  By 37 weeks, she wanted to see me doing 100x a day!  Do last set before sleeping.

Sleeping position–if on the right side, just kinda be in fetal position with knees bent and stacked.  Use as many pillows as I want along right side.  On left side, this is tricky to describe.  Kinda have left arm and leg straight and behind you.  Then right knee and arm can be bent in front of you.  The idea is that you are tilting towards your left.  I can’t really describe it better than that.

All of these things are to get baby in the ideal birth position.  Our next steps are to work on the birth plan (complete mid-July) and meet again in early July.  Overall, I’m really happy we have made the decision to use a doula.  There is so much to think about and I love that we have someone to guide us along this path.

24 weeks May 30, 2009

At 24 weeks, the little guy has a chance of surviving on his own on the outside. There would be complications and interventions to make it happen, but it is possible. So I’m thrilled to say I’m 24 weeks! Here is an article with the survival percentages from the March of Dimes.  viability stats

Other than that, kinda the same old thing….I have started painting the nursery and will hopefully be able to finish on Sunday. This is our second weekend in a row with company, so it might not get done. And that is ok. I am still sleeping pretty well through the night (wake up 1-2 times to pee), reading a lot about childbirth, getting winded a little more easily, making sure I get at least one dessert per day, starting to freak out that I won’t be a good mom, etc. And feeling pretty ok about the weight gain. I started out with an “overweight” category BMI due to putting on 15-20 lbs through the miscarriages, so I’m only supposed to gain 15-25 during pregnancy. I didn’t gain anything in first tri, about one pound per week 13-20 and pretty much nothing since then. It will fluctuate from 159-161, but mostly at 160, so I’m up 8 pounds. It has set some fear in me that he isn’t growing and something is wrong (the curse of miscarriages), but I’ve gotten a lot of reassurance that everything is fine. Here is a good calculator for weight gain during pregnancy that gives ranges for healthy weight gain….I’m one pound about the minimum for my stats for 24 weeks, so I guess I’m doing alright.  pregnancy weight calculator

And here is a super cute product I stumbled across! They are monthly stickers you attach to the onesie to snap some photos and document his progress. I had to buy several sets to give to my pregnant friends too. It was hard to decide between the boy set and the gender neutral set, because I love the colors in both. I can’t wait to actually use them!  Picky Sticky

Wow! May 20, 2009

I just saw kicks from the outside! He must like Chipotle.

Halfway point May 4, 2009

Yesterday, I hit the 20 week mark. Halfway. I wonder what it is like to have the weeks just tick by without all the memories from the previous losses? After going through 5 losses in 15 months, I just feel incredulous to actually be at this point and be able to feel the little guy moving around in there. I am awe-struck and just hope and pray this little guy will continue to grow and stay safe.

So in honor of this monumental event, here are photos of my belly progression. I was hoping to just gain 5 lbs during the first 20 weeks, but was up 7 yesterday. (I’m convinced at least one of those pounds is poop though!) Of course I want my baby to get all the nutrients he needs and to be healthy, but I pre-gained almost 20 lbs through the losses and started with a BMI in the overweight category with this pregnancy. So the medical advice is to gain 15-25 and I’m trying to manage to that.

11 weeks

12 weeks

13 weeks

14 weeks

15 weeks

18 weeks with the pup (yeah, I guess I was busy and lazy during 16 and 17)

19 weeks

20 weeks–non-maternity shirt just for dramatic effect! I do not go out like this….

Here’s 20 weeks in a maternity shirt

And we now return to regular programming…. April 26, 2009

Last night, we threw a couple’s wedding shower at our house. It was a group effort, but between invites, RSVP follow up, cleaning, decor, buying drinks and food, and developing weather contingency plans, it has been a pretty consuming effort! It wasn’t that I was doing shower-related things all the time, but the sense that I had an extra to do list was weighing on me. All the prep was worth it–everyone had a great time and it was fun to celebrate with the couple.

So now I can get back to focusing on ME! LOL. It will be nice to get back to exercising, having a messy house, and obsessing about all things baby related. So hot baby related topics in my mind right now are getting the crib, researching diapers, working on the nursery-to-be, and looking into birthing options.

The crib
So we want to get the IKEA Gulliver crib because it gets good reviews, it is simple and it is very cost effective. We’ll get the birch for $139. Since this will be the only child we have…maybe we will adopt an older child someday, but they will be out of a crib….it doesn’t make sense to spend a lot of money. We are running out there today, since earlier this week it was not available online and had no known delivery date for our local store. Today they have 4 in stock.

Diapers
We really want to use cloth diapers. Both disposable and cloth have pros and cons. It is mixed on which is more environmentally friendly. So I’m not going to preach about why this is better or anything like that. I guess I just don’t like the thought of diapers not decomposing in a landfill for so long, all the materials and manufacturing it takes to create something disposable, and the thought of putting disposables next to babe’s skin all the time. I picked up some used kissaluvs for less than half price. We’ll start off with that and a trial of some sort. But I like to plan ahead, so I’m also thinking about what we’ll want to use as the little one gets bigger. Right now I’m leaning towards pocket diapers. We won’t know for quite some time which day care we’ll have–if we get our first choice, they provide the cloth diapers there. If it ends up being somewhere else, they want all in ones or pockets. It seems like the pockets are more flexible, since you can change the absorbency through inserts and they dry faster by separating the pieces. I love the idea of one size diapers that are adjustable for various sizes too. I have a lot to learn still!

Nursery
Oh my…this room needs a lot of work! I need to take some before photos! Right now it is full of litter boxes, cat furniture, random boxes, a dresser and a huge file cabinet. The file cabinet has been sorted and emptied so we can get something smaller for our office area in the basement. I’d like to go through the boxes and empty the dresser in April, plus start patching any holes in the wall. Then the goal for May is to get it painted. What to do with the cat stuff??? That is going to be tricky. Right now we have a baby gate up because one of the cats HATES the dog, so he feels safe in there. Plus the dog is fond of cat poop. So I need to do a lot of research on dog proof litter box options and how to integrate the cat into the rest of the house, without having him act out. I love them all. We just have to find a solution.

Birthing options
I’d prefer a drug free birth experience, just because I react really strongly to drugs. We meet with our doula in early May and she will be able to lead us through our options, so I’m not spending a huge amount of time researching this. I did pick up a book on Lamaze for a few bucks, which has also been making me think of other reasons for a drug free birth. Our bodies were designed to do this and once interventions start, it creates somewhat of a domino effect. Of course the book is v slanted to one point of view. It is just getting me thinking about the strength within my own body. I’ve done a small bit of investigation on classes or just the philosophy about Bradley method, Birthing from Within and hypnobabies. I know there may be reasons I cannot do a med free birth, but I’d like to be prepared for that.

Other than that, things are going just fine. The second tri is pretty nice. My only real difficulties are heartburn and constipation. The heartburn was bad from probably 12-16 weeks and then has just showed up again in the last couple of days. The constipation is constant. But the slow down of the digestive system is so the baby can get the nutrients, so I try to remind myself of that when I’m not desperately choking down prune juice. I’ve been feeling movements since week 16, but wasn’t really sure then. It has been a daily occurrence since 17 weeks though. It was initially only when I was sitting or laying down, but yesterday I felt him move while standing for the first time. That was cool! I’m really looking forward to my hubby being able to feel him kick. Hopefully soon.